Image: Matthias Scholz
Don’t get this post wrong.
We’re not suggesting that global warming is going to be all puppies and rainbows. In fact we even wrote a post about the 20 deadliest global warming effects. Climate change is a serious issue with potentially disastrous consequences for the entire human race. Before anyone gets all bent out of shape, I’ll mention that EG is still recycling, saving energy, and riding the bus to work. This isn’t an attempt to promote an environmentally unfriendly lifestyle, just a tongue in cheek attempt to escape climate change’s doom and gloom for a few minutes and indulge in a look at the hopeful and misguided side of global warming. Without further ado, here are the top 5 alleged “positive” effects of global warming.
Image: Grant Neufeld
5. Booming businesses… in the Arctic. The world economy needs a shot in the arm. I know the feds just cut interest rates by .75, but that’s nothing compared to what a melted Arctic Circle could do. Without all that pesky ice in the way, the Arctic Ocean would be completely open, creating a brand new trade route from the Atlantic to Asia. It’s only traversable in the summer now, but global warming could open it year round, saving money for everyone. It might kill the polar bears, but business would boom in the north, which it sorely needs. Plus you’d save fuel on shipping, so if you think about it a melted Arctic Circle is almost “green”.
4. Florida trailer parks will finally be safe. For years scientists have been quick to claim that global warming will cause more severe storms and a rise in hurricanes and all that sort of severe weather. But a brand new study in the journal Geophysical Research Letters suggests that it might actually be the opposite. The researchers suggest that warmer temperatures will actually decrease the amount of hurricanes that hit the US each year. So feel free to drive your RV down near Miami and just hang out for a while. You’re safe from everything except alligators and high murder rates!
3. More summer fun! WOOOOOOOOO! Summer itself won’t technically last longer, as the dates are based on sunlight instead of temperature. But if you define summer by warm temperatures, you’re in luck. It’ll stay hot for much longer, so stock up on bathing suits now.
Image: Christian Cable
2. More food. This one’s related a bit to the longer summers. Those hotter temperatures would also translate into a longer growing season. Plus, plants love CO2! It’s like food for them. All that global warming causing CO2 would act like a fertilizer. With free airborne plant fertilizer and longer growing seasons, food production will skyrocket. Of course, this is assuming that global warming doesn’t cause massive droughts or floods that destroy the crops. As long as that doesn’t happen we’re golden!
1. Less dead people. Assuming there aren’t any wars over scarce resources, food production stays OK, sea levels don’t drown people, and basically nothing else bad happens, we can expect less people to die in the winter. Global warming would cause winter temperatures to rise. In addition to saving us money on our heating bills, this could literally save billions in health care costs and mean less dead people during the colder months. One study said that warmer winters could save up to 40,000 lives a year in the US alone, mostly the young and elderly, with the reductions mostly in things like pneumonia deaths and other cold weather diseases. So there you go. Assuming that global temperatures continue to rise, we’ve got something to look forward to. Well, assuming all the horrific catastrophes predicted far more often than the positive effects don’t occur anyway.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to try and risk it. Ice free Arctic oceans don’t really tempt me to start running my AC 24/7 and driving a Hummer. I subscribe to the idea of “Hope for the best, plan for the worst.” (note: Too many people thought I was serious. Just to clarify, this is a sarcastic look at the “positive” things the media has said global warming will bring us over the years.)
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