Like a secret gateway to the magical Kingdom of Narnia, an old wooden cabinet beckoned one young Imgur user to strange new worlds. For the cryptic objects he discovered hidden inside it appeared to have been concealed for generations. And they conjured a time and place far removed from the modern world…
The Imgurian’s online name is ifeelwhiteboywasted. We know little about him other than that he inherited the mystery cabinet from his grandfather some years ago. And what a cabinet it is; the sweeping top rail and the curvature of the crown molding, particularly, give it a very distinctive character.
And, naturally, the objects that ifeelwhiteboywasted found hidden inside it were also unusual and distinctive. Deciding one day in November 2015 to clean the cabinet’s interior, he opened the doors and took a look. And so began his fateful and intriguing journey into the past.
At first glance, however, nothing appeared to be irregular. In fact, everything looked exactly as you might expect. But, as Professor Kirke explained in C.S. Lewis’ The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, you can’t get to Narnia by trying. “It’ll happen,” said the professor, “when you’re not looking for it.”
So, without thinking about hidden secrets, ifeelwhiteboywasted got on with the task of cleaning. The top shelf contained an array of glassware, including tumblers and wine glasses. Perhaps the best way to proceed might be to remove the glasses, wipe down the shelf and polish them before returning?
The bottom shelf, it seemed, was a bit more chaotic. At the base of the cabinet, a large cavity appeared to contain an assortment of discarded knickknacks. There was a white lamp and a gray briefcase. And next to them, a plastic bag contained what appeared to be large cut-out stars. No, they had nothing to do with Narnia.
Stepping back for a moment, the task of cleaning the cabinet didn’t appear to be too arduous. After all, it was fairly tidy already. The only question was where to begin. The drawers, perhaps? Little did ifeelwhiteboywasted know what he was about to discover.
Of course, drawers are notorious for accumulating unwanted clutter. And, as suspected, the left one appeared to contain some discarded plastic wrapping. The right drawer, meanwhile, seemed to hold a stack of interesting paperwork. Perhaps the simplest thing to do would be to remove the drawers entirely.
Indeed, ifeelwhiteboywasted did exactly that, removing each drawer one at a time. First he pulled out the right drawer containing the paperwork. However, there was no passport to Narnia inside it, nor a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. And in any case, we’re not supposed to be thinking about that.
The left drawer, if anything, was even more unremarkable. However, with both drawers removed, we can, for a moment, admire the rustic minimalism of the empty space remaining. It was here, in fact, that ifeelwhiteboywasted first noticed something unexpected. Something unusual…
“I realized, while cleaning it, that the separator was not really fixed,” he explained on Imgur. “So I realized, that you can [pull] it out.” Well, as long as pulling out the separator doesn’t cause the cabinet to collapse, why not? After all, those hard-to-reach dusty bits won’t clean themselves.
And so “with a bit of to and fro it worked,” wrote ifeelwhiteboywasted. But wait, hang on, what’s this, a secret compartment attached to the separator? Well, well, well, what dark secrets has grandpa been hiding in here? Ifeelwhiteboywasted placed the compartment on a table for a closer look.
There was, in fact, nothing dark or dirty inside the compartment, at least not ostensibly. It contained just three objects, all quite old and mysterious. The first was a weathered black book. The second was a leather pouch. And the third was an unidentified implement not unlike a giant toenail clipper.
Fortunately, one Imgur user was able to identify the strange instrument. And, curiously enough, it has nothing whatsoever to do with clipping giant toenails. “I did a bit of research,” wrote Steveysaidthis. “The tool is an old hunting shot reloading tool, for early shot guns.”
The leather pouch, naturally, contained the lead shot to go with it. In the days before manufactured shotgun shells, each cartridge had to be loaded manually. But ifeelwhiteboywasted didn’t know that. “I guess its for guns,” he wrote. “Sorry I’m European. Not really a gun enthusiast…”
The final object was a rather ancient-looking little black book. Would it contain a complete pocket directory of grandpa’s favorite lady friends? Or, with a front cover vaguely suggestive of the Necronomicon, would it contain secrets infinitely darker? Ifeelwhiteboywasted opened it up.
Scrawled inside the cover was a name and a date: Carlsbad, 1859. Now, Carlsbad could refer to a certain well-to-do beach resort in California. However, it is also the name of a spa town in the Czech Republic. In fact, Carlsbad is situated 81 miles west of Prague in the former Kingdom of Bohemia (not to be confused with the Kingdom of Narnia).
Disappointingly, however, the book was neither a demonic grimoire nor a directory of geriatric Czech hookups. It was a Bible. But in an interesting thematic synchronicity, ifeelwhiteboywasted happened to open it to a page describing the very long and convoluted genealogy of Jesus Christ – from Abraham to Joseph.
And since genealogy is what brought the cabinet and the Imgur user together, perhaps this moment would be treasured dearly. But this is Imgur. As one commenter called wackjack put it, “Dude. You found the family Bible. That **** is your heritage. Even if you aren’t a Christian, you keep that thing.” “Already sold it to get crack,” replied ifeelwhiteboywasted. “That is a valid option too.”
In conclusion, we speculate that ifeelwhiteboywasted is descended from a Bohemian hitman. Maybe, like Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction, grandpa would read psalms to his victims before dispatching them to the afterlife… Of course, we will never know for sure, which perhaps makes the discovery of this cabinet even more interesting.