Of course, making fun of history is dangerous. After all, he people of the future will certainly have things to make fun of about us when the time comes. But then if we don’t laugh at history, we miss our chance. So with that in mind, here’s a list of historical facts that will appal your superior 21st-century self.
20. Rasputin’s penis got around
Rasputin has a reputation as a “faith healer,” close friend to the Russian royal family and someone who was very hard indeed to kill. One of his body parts, however, lives on in infamy. Indeed, somehow a maid got her hands on Rasputin’s rod – after he died, though maybe before as well. The body part then somehow worked its way around Europe before returning to Russia, where it’s now displayed at the Moscow Erotic Museum. At least, that’s what the museum claims.
19. Women sold their bodies to join the cult of Aphrodite
If you were a man in Ancient Greece, why would you choose to worship some solemn killjoy god when you could go to the Temple of Aphrodite and show your devotion by having sex with the priestesses? Life wasn’t so rosy for the priestesses, however, who had to sell their bodies for sex to be initiated.
18. Ancient Egyptians ejaculated into the Nile
When you think of the Nile, perhaps crocodiles, the fact that it’s the longest river in the world and the life source for many desert countries may spring to mind. But when we talk life source we’re thinking water – not the fact that in Ancient Egypt, they took this idea more literally. Apparently the river in those days was imbued with the life essence of many, many men who ejaculated into the river in honor of the god Atum. You know, the guy who created the universe by spuzzing into space. Maybe they were just looking for an excuse to get a load off…
17. Over a third of tested U.S. Civil War Soldiers had STDs
If it wasn’t for all the bloodshed, suffering and tragic waste of life, most wars would be a fantasy for caveman-minded men. You know, basically dividing your time between killing, raping and pillaging. Even during the U.S. Civil War, for example, at least 188,000 men of the 468,000 tested had STDs.
16. Crocodile dung was used as a contraceptive
Believe it or not, Ancient Egyptian women tried to use crocodile poop as a kind of contraceptive diaphragm. And this technique might have had some success, because the droppings are alkaline enough to act as spermicide. Of course, it may have been even more effective at preventing intercourse in the first place. Then again, maybe the sweet smell of giant reptile droppings was an aphrodisiac….
15. The Maori-rection war dance
If you follow rugby, you’ve probably seen the New Zealand team perform the Haka: a Maori war dance. This was originally intended to intimidate the enemy in battle and is supposed to do the same to the opposing team. Curiously, though, the Haka was originally performed with a full-on erection – truly something only a warrior with enormous confidence could achieve.
14. Genghis Khan has a lot of descendants
Geneticists have found that the genes of eight percent of people living in the region of the former Mongolian Empire are traceable back to Genghis Khan. That amounts to about 16 million descendants, which means that Genghis must have been a very busy boy indeed. Not that we should consider him some kind of medieval Casanova, however, as his technique was the old pillage and rape routine.
13. Napoleon’s penis is worth $3,000
What is it with lopping off and preserving the manhoods of famous historical figures? Napoleon’s penis, for example, was chopped off during his autopsy, eventually went to auction and was sold for $3,000. It now belongs to one Evan Lattimer, whose father was a urologist. The great leader will be squirming in his grave, however, as it was subsequently revealed that his baguette measured in at a tiny 1.5 inches – making it more of a mini croissant, really.
12. Vlad the Impaler lived up to his name
Vlad Dracula was, as his nickname of “The Impaler” suggests, a nasty piece of work. He’d impale people in all kinds of creative ways, whether front to back or vice versa. And during one of his imprisonments, when he was without any human victims to torture, he allegedly even impaled rats.
11. Mozart wrote a very naughty song
Ahhh, Mozart – composer of some of the greatest concertos and operas symphonies of all time. Our favorites are the Requiem, Don Giovanni and “Lick Me in the Arse.” Never heard of that last one? It’s a song that he wrote, presumably to sing with friends at rowdy gatherings. After all, no one but his closest friends knew about it until after his death. Still, even a genius is entitled to a bit of toilet humor!
10. Anne Frank’s diary has an uncensored version
The Diary of Anne Frank is one of the most widely read books in the world – and one which reveals the evolving emotions of a girl going through puberty during the Holocaust. But in the unedited diary, Anne gets more explicit – writing about the boy she likes, making bitchy comments about her neighbors and elaborating in detail about her lady bits. Oh Anne, how we love you all the more uncensored!
9. The first execution in North America was for bestiality
The first person known to have received a death sentence in the North American colonies was Thomas Granger in 1642. This dubious honor was tarnished by the fact that he was hanged for “buggery with a mare, a cow, two goats, divers sheepe, two calves, and a turkey.” An embarrassing way to go, though it’s weirdly impressive that he managed it with a turkey…
8. Edward II was killed by a particularly painful poke
England’s King Edward II was most likely killed in Berkeley Castle on September 21, 1327, though some sources suggest he died years later from natural causes. But the more popular story has it that not only did he die on that date, but the manner in which he died told much about his murderers. You see, Ed allegedly met his end via a red hot poker up the hiney, as punishment for his reputed sexual relations with men.
7. William of Orange’s uncle watched him consummate his marriage
It seems that a couple’s wedding night was not just a big deal for the bride and groom hundreds of years ago. Indeed, especially for nobles, consummating a marriage was a full-on family affair. Still, it’s difficult to imagine being in Dutch prince William of Orange’s shoes, or lack of them, on his first night with his wife. After all, his uncle King Charles II not only ensured that the family jewels were put to their proper use, but he apparently shouted and spurred his nephew on with words of encouragement. How could you ever look the guy in the eye again after that?
6. Hysteria led to the invention of the vibrator
“Your woman playing up with a case of the old hysterical fits again? Well, then all she needs is a good servicing!” Such was medicinal thinking in the early 20th century, when doctors used to treat “hysterical” women by giving them a “helping hand” to attain orgasm. Subsequently, the vibrator was invented to make the treatment quicker – so at least one good thing came out of the misguided medical science of the era.
5. Battle of Agincourt archers fought with their pants down
The Battle of Agincourt in 1415 was a huge event in the Hundred Years’ War, with the English beating the French largely thanks to their longbowmen. But due to a breakout of dysentery, the English archers fought much of the battle with their pants around their ankles – if not off altogether. In an early demonstration of biological warfare, they may have even used their illness to a tactical advantage by poisoning the tips of their arrows with the bacteria-infected poop.
4. Celtic kings proved their devotion by having it off with a horse
While bestiality is frowned upon today, once upon a time and place it was customary. In Iron Age Ireland, for example, it was reported that the kings of Clan Conaill would publicly get it on with white mares as a symbol of their devotion to the region. But that’s not all: the violated steeds would then get turned into broth. Ew.
3. Lyndon B. Johnson was obsessed with his Johnson
Maybe it’s fitting that a guy with the initials “B” and “J” in his name, coupled with the “J” standing for “Johnson,” would be genitally obsessed. Indeed, while in the White House former U.S. president Lyndon B. Johnson insisted on having a shower fitted with a nozzle that sprayed directly onto his “Jumbo,” as he allegedly called his penis. Furthermore, when visiting the Capitol, if anyone made the mistake of using the bathroom at the same time as the president, he’d swing his schlong around after finishing at a urinal and brag about its size.
2. Rousseau liked a good spanking
You wouldn’t have guessed it from his sombre philosophizing, but Jean-Jacques Rousseau was a bit of a prankster and a deviant in real life. For example, he was obsessed with being spanked, not to mention open about the fact that he mooned women who walked by in dark alleys. And if you’re still in doubt that this was a guy with issues, then take note that he had a romance with a woman whom he endearingly referred to as “maman” – that’s French for mommy.
1. Catherine the Great was a sex maniac
Catherine the Great reinvigorated Russia to make it a superpower of Europe, so you could argue that she deserved to indulge herself in her downtime. And indulge herself she did: Catherine is thought to have had numerous affairs and would even get her servants to find out if men she wanted carried STDs. Maybe the best proof of her sex obsession, though, is her “exotic” furniture collection, which depicts all manner of lady parts and wood-carved woodies.