And this one’s not even trying to be badass
Everybody loves dolphins, but nobody appreciates just how badass they truly are. I’m here to change that.
Image: Dr. J.G.M. Thewissen
6. Dolphins evolved from land animals, predators resembling wolves
Aww.. it looks like a little puppy
When most people think of evolution they picture fish sprouting legs and walking on land. Dolphins don’t give a XXXX what most people think. They’ve seen land and had legs and decided all that was for sissies. No, the dolphin’s level of badassery was far too great to be restricted by gravity. And since air is basically just an incredibly more boring version of water, the dolphin chose to evolve back into a sea creature and see what chaos it could unleash in the murky depths of the scary, unforgiving ocean.
As you can see from this picture, all four limbs are still quite visible in the dolphin’s embryonic stage.
5. The killer whale is a goddamn dolphin
This ain’t no freakin whale
Yeah, that’s right… bloodthirsty Shamu up there is Flipper’s cousin. And it’s worth noting Orcas didn’t get the name ‘Killer Whales’ lightly either; they freakin earned that title. Three people have died as the result of just one of these beasts in SeaWorld/SeaLand alone (Good serial killers never stay in one place). And here we’re talking about an Orca specially trained NOT to kill people.
4. Dolphins are dirty tramps
Bow Chicka Wowoww…
And I mean they are just dirty, filthy horndogs. These creatures are so sexually active they make that promiscuous cheerleader you knew in high school look like… well like you in high school. If there are any STDs in the dolphin world you can bet that every single one of these freaky bastiches has got it. Aside from being the only animal other than primates recorded to have sex purely for pleasure, dolphins take it a step further by engaging in bisexual and homosexual orgies.
Yeah, baby, they like it rawww….
Of course, orgies are nothing more than a good Tuesday night for most dolphins (and me… totally typical for me). Some species make things a little kinkier by adding sex toys to the mix (sticks and stones may break my bones, but they’ll turn a dolphin on as well). It doesn’t end there, mind you. Their greatest sexual deviancy is reserved for later in this list.
3. Dolphins are interspecial cooperative hunters
Teamwork: Kills shit quicker
Everyone knows dolphins are smart. They wouldn’t have discovered sex toys if they weren’t. In fact, entire articles, books even, have been written on the intelligence of these creatures. Of course, I only care about the badass results of this intelligence and interspecies hunting is definitely one of them. Dolphins have been observed cooperating with birds, sharks and humans alike to herd schools of fish into swirling enclosed clusters of death.
Image: Brien Aho, U.S. Navy
2. Dolphins are trained as undersea Rambos
Sneak Attack, Bitch!
The U.S. Government will only admit to training dolphins to locate undersea mines and stranded divers. That’s pretty cool, but it’s not really all that badass. This is why it’s important to remember that half of what the U.S. government tells you is a lie. In 2000 it was reported that Soviet trained combat dolphins were sold to Iran. If the U.S. didn’t have combat dolphins when the ruskies did (the same U.S. government that gave its own agents LSD in an attempt to beat the Russians to super powers), then you can damn well believe they’ve got them now that Iran does.
1. Dolphins are psychotic killers and rapists
Say my name, Say My Name!
OK, I’ll mention the rape first since I promised I’d return to the dolphins’ sadistic sexual exploits. They rape each other. Male or female, old or young, it doesn’t matter. Dolphins love rape. In fact I’m pretty sure the only thing dolphins love more than forcing themselves on one another (and sometimes humans) is killing baby porpoises and tossing around their brutalized corpses.
Don’t believe me? Read on.
Take that you evil porpoise!
In 1997 scientists were baffled when they noticed savagely beaten corpses of baby dolphins washing up on the shores of Virginia (oh yeah, side note: they massacre their own young as well). Other scientists were equally baffled by the same thing happening with baby porpoises on the shores of Scotland. Since, I’m assuming, American scientists and Scottish scientists don’t get along very well, different theories were put forth to explain these mass deaths. Almost ten years later and the truth is finally revealed when people witness firsthand the brutal murders taking place.