20 Animals That Not Even Chuck Norris Would Dare To Mess With

Watch out, Chuck Norris: here are 20 animals that are too much even for you to handle. Which is really saying something considering the fact that, when Chuck swims in the sea, it’s the sharks that are kept in cages. So, whether it be thanks to these beasts’ strength, poison or terror-inducing reputations, Chuck had better keep his distance.

20. Cape Buffalo

These beasts can weigh over 2,000 pounds and are famous for having killed more big game hunters than lions, leopards, rhinos and elephants. If not killed with the first shot, they will charge, horns down, straight at their shooter. Still feel like you could take one on and win? Well, Cape buffalo are known as the Black Death. Keep that in mind; it’s a warning to you. Run!

19. Rhinoceros

What would you expect from an animal that looks like a dinosaur? Rhinos are heavy (up to 5,000 pounds, in fact) and don’t like company, not even other rhinos for the most part. They’re also easily scared, faster than they look and have poor vision. When that combination also comes with a huge horn, it’s not a good idea to meet one during a confused rampage. Chuck is a strong man. No one said he was a fast man, or a stupid one.

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18. Honey Badger

People think of badgers as cute and cuddly and maybe in normal circumstances, yeah. But honey badgers? No way. They eat cobras and scorpions. They pick fights with leopards. When poisonous snakes bite them, they sleep it off. And yes, they love honey and will brush aside any subsequent bee attack to get some. Don’t even think about it, Chuck.

17. Belcher Snake

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No, horrible burping noises aren’t the worst thing to fear from these water-based snakes. Their venom is strong enough to kill 1,000 people. And as tough as Chuck is, he’s still just one incredibly tough, yet still vulnerable man. Belchers aren’t known to kill often – they’re actually quite shy – but when they kill, they kill hard. Didn’t mom warn you about the shy ones, Chuck?

16. Great White Shark

Jaws cemented the ferocious and ruthless reputation of great whites. Not only do they have an incredibly sharp set of teeth, but their white bellies make them hard to see. Oh, and they’re fast. While attacks by great whites are rare, they’re often deadly. And, in bad news for Chuck, they’re apparently sexist. Most attacks – reportedly 93 percent between 1580 and 2010 – were on men. Sorry, Chuck.

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15. Komodo Dragon

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Komodos live in Indonesia and can smell blood from up to five miles away. They can also eat half their weight in one sitting. Just make sure they don’t bite you, for their saliva is loaded with deadly bacteria. Oh, and they once managed to overrun a whole village in Indonesia, so locals are now forced to live in houses on stilts. Totally badass.

14. Warthog

They might look cute (well, they did in The Lion King at least) but warthogs are very grumpy and potentially dangerous beasts. A combination of poor vision, skittishness and a bad temper – not forgetting those tusks – make them one animal you’d better keep clear of. In fairness, they have a lot of predators, both human and animal, so it’s no surprise that they’re a little testy.

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13. Black Mamba

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There’s no shortage of terrifying snakes in the world (unless you’re in Ireland, where there are none), but the black mamba has to rank up there with the worst. The longest, most venomous snake in Africa; it’s responsible for thousands of human deaths. Chuck may be tough as nails, but he’s no 100-yard dash runner. Mambas are quick and agile. In short, avoid them like the plague.

12. Piranha

Here fishy fishy. Unless you happen to be a piranha. Piranhas have shark-like teeth that help them chomp away at meat. Just to make matters worse, should Chuck find himself in hot water (or just any water containing these ferocious fish), piranhas tend to go for the tail or eyes when hunting. Humans don’t have tails, but piranhas don’t know that. Chuck, avoid skinny dipping.

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11. Hippopotamus

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A mainstay of the cuddly toy industry, hippos are anything but cuddly. The pig-like creatures are easily scared, and when scared they do dumb stuff, a bit like people. Except unlike people, they weigh approximately 4,000 pounds. Despite their bulk, they’re also extremely fast on land. Basically, avoid a charging hippo at all costs.

10. Box Jellyfish

When we think of jellyfish, we think of that bit in Friends where Chandler peed on Monica’s leg. Yup, most jellyfish won’t harm you much, but the box jellyfish is a whole different kettle of, okay, not fish. Between 20 and 40 people die each year in the Philippines alone after coming into contact with their tentacles. Basically, Chuck, you won’t be peeing the pain away if you get stung by one.

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9. Polar Bear

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If you’ve seen Fortitude, you’ll know how dangerous these animals can be. If you haven’t, well, it’s a mediocre TV show. Most bears (except Paddington and Yogi) usually mind their own business and interact with people only when food is involved – but not polar bears. If they see you, they’ll charge and likely tear you to pieces. They’re generally easy to avoid, though; simply don’t go to places with “Polar” in the name.

8. Lion

The King of the Jungle isn’t known for hunting or killing humans, but that’s generally because it’s busy hunting and killing just about everything else. Still, make no mistake, the lion is a fearsome creature. Indeed, lions have been known to seek out human prey. And while we feel that Chuck might be able to wrestle one, we don’t think he would come out on top. Best to avoid.

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7. Boomslang

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Nope, nothing to do with either boomerangs or slang. This evil monster is another snake. Boomslang venom stops red blood cells from clotting, which causes victims’ blood to ooze from just about every orifice. Ouch. Oh, and it can take up to five days for a victim to die. Another animal you’d best avoid if possible, then.

6. Leopard

Leopards are known for their speed and ability to drag their victims’ carcasses up trees. However, they’re also known to hunt in cities. While their targets aren’t generally humans, you wouldn’t want to stumble across one. Anyone who saw the U.K.’s Planet Earth II will remember the haunting sight of one of the cats stalking its prey – a piglet – through the streets of Mumbai.

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5. Wolf

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As pack animals, wolves are extremely protective of their pack members. But any animal outside the pack is fair game – including other wolves. Indeed, most wolf deaths happen as a result of feuds between packs. Thankfully, they don’t tend to attack humans. Still, were Chuck stupid enough to pick a fight with one, it’s more than likely that he’d lose.

4. Tasmanian Devil

The good news here is that despite its vicious look, the Tasmanian devil isn’t going to hunt you down. The bad news is that if you’re stupid enough to try any funny business, it will destroy you. Its jaws are extremely powerful and can cause very severe injuries. But like we said, they mean no harm generally. Basically, don’t go shooting your mouth off and they won’t go shooting theirs.

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3. Hyena

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We only have ourselves to blame for hyenas’ taste for human flesh. Why? Well, during times of war in hyena-populated regions, the dead provided an abundant food source for the animals. And once war was over, the scavengers became hunters to look for more food. So now, it’s not just the dead who are at risk from hyenas. So Chuck, don’t start any wars. But if you have to, run. Fast.

2. Puffer Fish

Adorable. Yup, puffer fish are among the cuter types of marine life out there. But when threatened, these sea creatures puff out their venomous spines. And just one prick can cause paralysis, loss of breathing and death. They’re also dangerous to eat. Of course, any animal that can kill from beyond the grave is one not to be messed with.

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1. Wolverine

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No, not the X-Man, although we wouldn’t recommend fighting him either. Although they weigh only around 35 pounds, wolverines have been known to tackle (read destroy) both wolves and bears. What’s more, their usual homeland in the Rockies has made them very hardy. In fact, they’re so tough that they don’t even bother hibernating. No, they just plot to take down Chuck Norris. Fearsome.

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