Experts Have Broken Down The Scientific Reality Behind Soulmates, And More People Should Hear About It

It’s certainly a compelling idea. Somewhere out there is “the one,” the person who was created just for you, perfect, waiting for you to find them. Hollywood and romance novels promote the myth of the soulmate tirelessly. So is it any surprise that many of us believe there is a special someone out there?

The idea’s central to fictional depictions of romance, both in books and in films. When soulmates come together, there’s a “meet cute.” This is that special moment when girl meets boy and sparks fly straight away. The couple has amazing “chemistry,” a magical bond that — even if they fight it — wins out in the end.

But that’s just made up, right? People meet every day, and sometimes they like each other, and sometimes they don’t. Life isn’t a Harlequin novel, though. Or is it? Well, scientists have considered the matter and what they’ve found out shows that there just might be something in it.

Certainly, many of us do believe in soulmates. When Marist asked Americans, nearly three-quarters agreed that they exist. And believe it or not, more men believe than women. An expert named Raymond Knee has puzzled over the notion and he’s concluded that there are two types of believers. Firstly, there are those who think that a strong bond is destiny: you’re fated to have a special partner. And then there are those who think it’s down to growth: you build the specialness.

Key to finding your soulmate is falling in love at first sight. When Elite Singles, the dating app, asked its customers in 2017, roughly two-thirds of them said they thought it really existed — and again this was more men than women. So are they fooling themselves? Does science have an opinion?

Sure it does. Dr. Trish Stratford, a neuropsychotherapist, revealed to the HuffPost website that the feeling of love emerging is down to brain chemistry. The brain makes serotonin and dopamine, and that feels good. Stratford explained that it “looks like the brain of someone high on heroin.” So yes, that can fire up as soon as you “meet cute.”

“When you look into another person’s eyes, your adaptive oscillators — which are part of the prefrontal vortex, which is the orbital frontal complex — these lock between you and your partner and it forms this loop,” Stratford continued. “The greater the feeling here, the stronger the feeling of love. From there, these adaptive oscillators just pull you together and guide the two mouths together and you kiss. So there are chemicals in everything.”

But if you don’t feel love at first sight, is your relationship doomed? Not according to therapist Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill. She told Brides magazine in 2022, “Couples should definitely not worry if they didn’t experience love at first sight — it certainly isn’t a prerequisite in any way for a wonderfully long and happy marriage.”

In fact, psychologist Dr. Michael Tobin says that you don’t actually have to fall in love at first sight with your soulmate. “Everything in life is about timing,” he told Brides in 2022. “I believe it’s a matter of self-knowledge. When you understand that a relationship isn’t about control or the simple need of fulfillment but is essential to our psychological and spiritual development, then you’re open to the possibility of meeting your soulmate.”

What if it isn’t instant, though? What does science say then? Well, in October 2020 Syracuse University professor Stephanie Ortigue investigated the process of falling in love. She found that our brains produce chemicals such as vasopressin, oxytocin, adrenalin, and dopamine. These give you a “natural high.” So Ortigue then wondered whether love’s in the brain or in the heart?

“I would say the brain, but the heart is also related because the complex concept of love is formed by both bottom-up and top-down processes from the brain to the heart and vice versa,” Ortigue told The National website in 2011. “For instance, activation in some parts of the brain can generate stimulation of the heart and butterflies in the stomach. Symptoms we feel as a manifestation of the heart may sometimes be coming from the brain. These results confirm that feelings of love have a scientific basis.”

And women may be more likely to fall in love when they’re ovulating. At least so says British professor C. Neil Macrae, who published a study in 2002 concluding that women have a heightened response to male pheromone androstenol during ovulation. When ovulating, they also were drawn to typically manly men with stereotypical rough-hewn features.

Men who look a little more feminine needn’t worry, though. You just need to catch women at the right time! Macrae explained that women prefer the more feminine males when they aren’t ovulating. Men, on the other hand, consider the same things appealing regardless. The professor also discovered that looking straight at each other might spark a reaction.

So there’s science behind falling in love — but can it be provoked by a soulmate? And where did the idea of soulmates come from? Well, the notion’s derived from classical Greek playwright Aristophanes. He tells of giant hermaphrodites with two heads, whom Zeus split in two. They were then condemned to forever search for their literal “other halves.”

That seems dramatic, of course, so let’s take a look at the dictionary definition. The New Oxford American says it’s “a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.” While it’s a rather dry description — certainly a lot less exciting than two halves of a giant —most people consider the idea of a soulmate to be a bit more spiritual than that.

All of these definitions sound pretty good but a study’s found that it isn’t all wine and roses. The research project in question saw people being asked to choose images and phrases that indicated whether they believed in soulmates or something a bit more realistic. The study concluded that the more realistic types were more positive about relationship hiccups.

Study co-author Spike W.S. Lee from the University of Toronto explained, “People who view themselves as soulmates tend to be less satisfied when they think of the conflicts in their relationships.” He then elaborated on why, adding, “It’s inevitable. In the soulmate frame, conflicts are bad. People think, ‘Well, maybe we’re not the perfect fit.’”

So maybe believing there’s one person for you might be bad. Another type of connection that some believe exists is the “soul tie.” This is a powerful bond that’s incredibly overwhelming. But it’s seen as something that grows: you and your beloved “knit together,” with the tie becoming ever more intense.

The thing is, this isn’t restricted to a single person in the whole world. Psychologist Ronald Williams also told Pop Sugar website in 2022 that though a soulmate’s usually the result of love at first sight, soul ties can build over time. While he didn’t discount the instant tie, it wouldn’t be the norm.

Interestingly, science can help us decide whether soulmates or soul ties are more likely. For example, robotics boffin Randall Munroe looked into the soulmate question. He wrote that first off, there are about seven billion people alive today, but 100 billion have lived throughout history. Bad news for you if your soulmate was one of the 100 billion!

Munroe went on to say that you might exchange glances with a few tens of people each day. If one in ten is about your age, then you’ll have 50,000 people to potentially be struck with love at first sight by. Unfortunately, though, your potential soulmates number 500,000,000. So you’re going to have to live for 10,000 lifetimes to run into your one for sure!

That isn’t promising, admittedly, but there’s better news out on the fringes. The Science of Soulmates website says that “scientific instruments recorded evidence of a fundamental energy pattern that reveals the source of existence and the source of the phenomenon of soulmates.” Wow! Amazing if true, though perhaps we need some more solid science?

Well, Canadian psychologist Sue Johnson’s skeptical of the idea of a soulmate, telling Reader’s Digest, “Whoever came up with the idea should be boiled in oil.” But she does point to the science of really close bonds. Women who’re in happy couples don’t show a strong stress reaction to menaces so long as their loved one has hold of their hand, for instance. Unhappy ones do.

And psychologist Shauna H. Springer’s looked into the issue as well. She studied well over 1,000 women with a good education when writing a book about them — and eight in ten didn’t believe in soulmates. They reckoned that you probably have more than one “Mr./Ms. Right” out there. She also found that they tended to partner guys for quite some time before marrying.

The problem that Springer has with the idea of soulmates is that it relies on the notion that we have fixed personalities that never change for our whole lives. She also suggests — similarly to Munroe — that given how unlikely it is to meet your one soulmate in a small American town, it’s quite amazing how many people hook up with theirs in high school!

Springer’s ideas are reflected by author May Sarton, who talks about a wife outgrowing her husband. In Sarton’s book, she has the wife ask, “One of the things I’ve been wondering… is whether all marriages don’t have the seeds of dissolution in them. Can people be expected to keep on growing at the same rate?”

This idea leads Springer to ask how the concept of soulmates fits with the idea of growing apart over the course of a relationship. She suggests that hearing this so often be the reason for couples splitting makes you think that relationships are all about change, whereas soulmates need to be the same person without changing so they stay “right” for you.

But it turns out that Springer does believe in soulmates, after all! Even though she’s written quite negatively about the concept, it turns out she does think that they exist. But there’s a twist. Forget the love at first sight, eternal twin flames, right today right forever type of soulmate. Her version’s much different.

Yes, Springer thinks that soulmates aren’t someone you meet who’re your perfect match. Instead, she believes it’s something you grow into. Just as you get better at sports or music with practice, so you do with love. Over time, you can become the perfect partner — if you work at it.

Springer explains that it’s much like being a soccer player. They develop amazing skills with their feet and an understanding of the pitch that eventually grows into overall ability. Or it’s akin to learning a foreign language. You start with a few stumbling words but with practice you can even start to “think” in that language.

So coupling’s something that strengthens with time. As your relationship develops, you take on problems together and learn to compromise. Your respect and love for the other person becomes so strong that there’s no question of ever splitting up. In fact, you can become so perfect for another person that you develop into their soulmate, even if you didn’t start that way.

Once it happens, the magic truly starts. Springer claims that a marriage in which the couple have become soulmates includes an intimacy that isn’t common. She paints a picture of togetherness that’s a celebration of a relationship that has flourished. And this celebration’s even an inspiration for others around them.

When one of the couple passes away, we often see the “widower effect.” In this, the remaining partner doesn’t survive long after their soulmate’s departed this world. And that isn’t just something pulled from a Hallmark movie. It’s a real phenomenon that scientists have observed in close couples.

Springer concludes that real love can only happen when you really know the other person. And that can’t occur on a first meeting! Though we all enjoy the initial flush of love, it isn’t real because truly deep connections are all about being loved warts and all. Springer contrasts the rush of new love with the mature, deep bond of a couple enjoying their diamond anniversary.

And science seems to support Springer’s views, showing that it may not be true that love at first sight can last. Clinical psychologist Dr. Salida Afridi, from Dubai, claims that your idea of love isn’t even all that well defined when you’re young. And that can have terrible outcomes for bonding.

“When we’re young we don’t understand the meaning of true love. We’re more likely to think that love at first sight will last,” Afridi told The National. “Unfortunately, this isn’t the case unless we work at it. Otherwise, it typically lasts anywhere between three to four months and three to four years.”

“I consider love to be more than just an initial attraction; it’s about being invested in another person’s emotional and spiritual growth,” the psychologist continued. “There are deeper issues than just beauty and attraction at play. So while it’s possible to fall for someone initially on a superficial level, you have to work to keep the relationship alive.”

Therapist Sofia Robirosa agrees, as she told Brides. She said that it’s the very same chemical reaction we talked about earlier that makes you feel like you’re in love. “Basically, it’s a good match of endorphins between two people and in essence, it is an indication of strong physical attraction,” Robirosa noted. “This doesn’t mean that this person might be a good lifelong match.”

But if you believe your soulmate’s out there, don’t lose heart. Psychologist Tobin has more cheerful tidings, informing Brides, “I believe everyone could discover their soulmate. However, to find your soulmate, you must first understand that humans are not meant to be alone and that the purpose of a relationship is… a challenge to grow — and to help our partners reach their potential.”