20 Hilarious Tweets That Totally Nail The Reality Of Married Life

Men constantly losing all their stuff, women making all the decisions in the house: it turns out that all the old clichés of marriage are still true today. Only now, Twitter allows us to peek into the lives of actual married couples, and the reality it reveals is nothing short of hilarious.

Men who think they’re actually in charge of any decision, let alone a super important one like getting a pet, are sadly mistaken. But if this dude plays his cards right, maybe his wife will let him name one of those kittens.

Of course, married couples are at their best when they’re a team and when it’s them against the world. The guy behind this tweet shared a nice moment with his wife, a united front against… crying kids.

It’s usually part of the whole marriage deal that you split everything with your spouse, including your money. So you just have to accept it when they spend your hard earned cash on… a dog tuxedo.

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He’s crying, messy, feeling sorry for himself and demanding to be fed at regular intervals. Nope it’s not your toddler; it’s your husband when he’s off sick from work. ’Til death do you part.

Unfortunately, getting married means you have to share everything with your beloved – including your snacks. This guy’s trick of making just the right amount for himself to eat isn’t going to work, however: he’s just going to end up with even less.

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Through a really clever bit of misdirection, Twitter user Grant Tanaka managed to fool his wife as to his whereabouts and upgrade his household chore from “feed cat” to “get potatoes.” Top work.

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Say goodbye to sexting when you get married, folks. It’s all laundry puns and passive-aggressive arguments from here on in. Hey, we’re just being honest.

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There’s a whole bunch of new rules you have to obey when you’re a married couple in the modern world – and most of them involve Netflix. For example, never forget it’s a divorceable offense to continue watching a boxset without your spouse.

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Husband and Twitter user Abe Yospe, who has built up quite a following for his online tomfoolery under the handle Cheeseboy22, likes to show his appreciation for his wife in very weird, and very public, ways. Well, whatever works.

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Love, companionship, someone to share your life with… These are all decent reasons for getting married. But don’t forget the often overlooked joy that comes from learning all sorts of fun and interesting household facts… like this one.

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Speaking of facts, married women need to know that you’ll be asked to help find missing items for your husband – like, pretty much constantly. Men are always loosing or misplacing their stuff – they have no idea how to keep track of anything.

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This caring wife is pondering the consequences of her husband plummeting from their roof. In fact, being able to make bad jokes about the inevitability of your spouse’s “accidental” death is just another upshot of getting married.

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You might be lucky enough to have a husband who treats loading the dishwasher like an elaborate game of Tetris he has to win. But don’t despair if you get stuck with one who can’t seem to master the complex art of putting dishes in the machine – he can always wash them by hand.

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Sadly, married life often results in dogs and cats getting stuck in the middle of long, drawn-out arguments between couples, full of mean comments and unspoken grudges. And, sooner or later, of course the pets will pick a side.

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The fight against outdated gender stereotypes takes a real hit with this cliché, perfectly summed up in this wife’s tweet. Seriously, though, why can’t guys clean properly? Of course, if they did it might help with their ability to keep track of stuff.

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Curiously, when it comes to thermometer settings, its a universal a truth that there will be a disagreement over the ideal temperature. This pair of lovebirds are negotiating like pros to find a number they’re both happy with.

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This charming Twitter user is measuring his marriage by how much weight he’s gained – isn’t that romantic? Another adorable side effect of eating too much – we mean – getting hitched.

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Avoid a total breakdown in your marriage by following this one simple tip. Turns out Twitter can be a good source of relationship advice – who knew?

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Comedy writer and Twitter funny man James Breakwell clearly hasn’t been married for long enough, if this tweet is anything to go by. Everyone knows when your wife asks what you want for dinner, she’s just being polite. It’s a courtesy ask dude – you’re having whatever she wants.

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Whoa, wait. A wife unloaded the dishwasher too loudly while her darling husband was watching golf? What is this, 1953? On the upside, maybe she found some of his missing balls.

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