20 Horrendous Hairstyles That Will Haunt These Poor ’80s Kids For The Rest Of Their Lives

The 1980s were a time of over-the-top aerobics, spandex and unfathomable colors. That anyone survived the decade with relative dignity is sometimes a little surprising. It feels like Madonna, Flock of Seagulls and Wham started trying to one-up each others’ weirdness, while the whole world thought they would do the same. This freedom of expression is all well and good when the key word “freedom” is involved. But unfortunately for many children of the 1980s, their parents were often in charge of their appearance. And boy, did they dish out some punishment.

This Pippi Longstocking-inspired monstrosity is hard to even understand. With such short, thin hair on top, we can only presume the pigtails are made from a thick mullet. So, hair up or down, this poor girl is stuck with more 1980s than a child should ever have to handle.

To be fair, this is a near-perfect mullet. Obviously, the mullet holy grail crowns the head of Garth from Wayne’s World, and this is a very close comparison. The glasses, braces and bouffant fringe all add up to a photograph which must have been mentally repressed years later.

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Wow. The hair is of course terrible, with its oddly tiny yet definitely noticeable fringe and a parting that somehow manages to go in all the directions. But we think you all know the scary thing here is the manic smile. It’s as if she has a secret that will be the end of all humans.

Teacher: “You have a wonderful daughter Mr. and Mrs. Anderson. Mary has excelled across the board. I do have one concern, however: her hairstyle. There’s something you need to know… There’s Something About Mary.”
Father: “Is it bad?”
Teacher: “I haven’t seen it.”

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“Hey babe, ever had a clarinet solo all to yourself? No? Well, prepare to have your mind b-loooown. Oh, my hair? Yeah my mom cuts it for me. It’s pretty chill, no biggy. She made my outfit too. Now, sit back, relax and let me serenade…” *wiggles eyebrows.*

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Give this kid a lot of money, transport him to 2011, then put him on a stage with some big speakers – and congratulations, you have just created Skrillex. Well done. Now, carefully undo everything and put him back. Thanks for that.

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Mick Jagger went through a weird phase in the 1980s. Inspired by his contemporaries, he was experimenting with new styles of music and flirting with the idea of electronic vibes in his songs. Also, he weirdly became a small girl for a year.

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Hairdresser: “What kind of style do you fancy?”
Girl: “All of them.”
Hairdresser: “Haha, you will have to force yourself to pick one, honey. More than one style at once might look a little bit strange…”
Girl: “Did I stutter?”

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Little Julia, here, has what is known as a “loaf of hair.” They’re not easy to style, but they are particularly firm, especially after a few days baking in the sun. And whenever she needs a snack, just a quick rip and she’s golden. Her pockets are filled with hummus.

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This is Bernadette. Bernadette keeps a spare head on top of her head because she is superstitious. Her father once told her the only way to get ahead in life is by keeping your head held high, but she severely misunderstood the meaning.

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Ben here actually has quite a normal haircut. Just before this picture was taken, however, half a coconut fell on his head. The photographer’s timing was perfect, as a second later the concussion wiped the smile right off Ben’s face.

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The parents of these siblings only loved one of them. Can you guess which one? It’s either Axel, with the powerful red mullet; Helmut, with the helmet; or Hayley, with the normal visage. Our money is on Helmut, but we’re not very good at betting.

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Barber: “What are you thinking?”
Dad: “Well he’s constantly pulling that weird expression. Kind of like an excited fish, right? I figure in for a penny, in for a pound… give him a dorsal fin and a couple of flappy tail bits. Thanks.”

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Business on the sides, party at the back. Second party on top – but more of a formal event that got out of hand and had to finish early because the bar was under stocked. The whole ensemble is terrifying. We call it the mullet over next time.

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Surely those glasses make it harder to see things. Is it just us, or does this girl look like she is halfway through a transformation into a werewolf? We can imagine her howling at the moon every time she pulls out her hairspray.

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This is what it looks like when your hair inexplicably turns inside out. At least she only seems mildly perturbed, despite housing the perfect environment for small birds to procreate on top of her weirdly haphazard locks.

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We can’t tell if this is the weirdest mullet ever or if he’s just wearing a sweet popped collar on top of his regular, formal collar. If he had any canine teeth we would probably say he’s trying out the vamp look.

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D’awww, she looks so sweet. Only in the 1980s could you have both a full perm and a mullet on a child. Apparently it is illegal now, due to new child-cruelty laws and the “stupid things should be illegal act” of 1991.

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The 1980s saw the first wave of the invasion of the brain snatchers. This photograph was taken at the exact moment that one of their scout ships absorbed the brain of a child. You can see the acceptance in his eyes as he realizes his impending end.

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Actor Rick Moranis had a tough time at school. He never could live down the flowery shirt and the oversized mushroom-mullet that he eventually had to have surgically removed. This photograph actually became the inspiration for his helmet in the movie Spaceballs.

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