Whether you know him from Walker, Texas Ranger or his explosive martial arts career, Chuck Norris is the badass you don’t want to cross in a fight. In fact, his toughness is so intense that even the gods themselves bow down in his wake. Don’t believe us? Just take a look at these 20 totally, 100 percent scientifically proven facts that prove just how omnipotent the living legend really is.
20. Forget evolution: creatures have survived today because Chuck Norris let them live
While many theologians and scientists argue over the merits of Creationism and Darwinism, both camps are sadly wrong. Indeed, the only theory of evolution that exists is the list of creatures Norris decides not to roundhouse into oblivion. Some even say that the woolly mammoth met its end after it looked at the actor the wrong way in a bar.
19. We have Norris to thank for Mount Rushmore
Mount Rushmore may stand as a tribute to America’s greatest presidents, but it was only possible thanks to Chuck Norris. According to eyewitnesses, Norris sneaked to the Black Hills mountain range in the dead of night armed only with a bottle opener and a drywall trowel. By the morning, he returned – after the famous monument had been carved into the rock and the opener reduced to a nub.
18. And yes, he proved Rome can actually be built in a day
Besides being a skilled actor and martial artist, Norris is also an incredibly accomplished mason. To wit, the star actually laid the foundations of what would become the ancient city of Rome – including the Colosseum and the Pantheon. And so contrary to popular belief, Norris did indeed build the city in one day. In fact, he would have finished earlier had he not stopped to trim his beard.
17. Norris wears shades so that his gaze won’t destroy the sun
Eagle-eyed fans may notice that Chuck Norris is rarely seen in public without shades. This is because the actor’s ultraviolet gaze is so intense it has the power to make our sun go supernova. To this end, an official from NASA follows Norris everywhere he goes to make sure his eyes are only unsheathed during photo opportunities and optometrist appointments.
16. If you think he’s sleeping, you’re wrong. He’s merely lying in wait
While Chuck Norris’ home comes equipped with a bed, the actor has no need for such frivolities. Due to the immense energy running through his body, Norris doesn’t need sleep and only pretends to do so to make mere mortals comfortable in his presence. During the night, in fact, the star regularly assumes a defensive position – to counter any potential surprise attacks.
15. He can brew coffee using nothing but his teeth and his naked aggression
Like most people, Norris likes to start his day with a warm cup of coffee. However, his brewing method is rather unorthodox. Rather than stopping in at his local Starbucks, Norris prefers to chew his beans into granules before boiling his water using anger alone. And legend has it that he teaches his technique to baristas in a super-secret seminar course.
14. Chuck Norris makes Stephen Hawking look stupid
Though he may be best known for his strength, Norris also has a mind that makes the world’s top scientists weep with envy. Besides cracking unsolved maths theorems for fun, for example, the star has counted to infinity not once but twice. In fact, upon hearing the news, legendary physicist Stephen Hawking canceled a dinner date with Norris for fear of looking stupid.
13. To find out how old Norris is, we’d need to saw him in half and count the rings
There are many unsolved mysteries surrounding Chuck Norris. Where was he born? How did he achieve his great strength? Why did he agree to Expendables 2? But perhaps the most puzzling of all concerns the great actor’s age, with many arguing that counting the rings inside him like a tree is the only viable option. However, no blade known to man has proved strong enough to cut through Norris’ skin.
12. Chuck Norris was attacked by a cobra. Five horrifically painful days later, the cobra died
We pity anyone stupid enough to mess with Chuck Norris – and that extends to animals as well. While karate-chopping down trees in the forests of India, Norris was bitten by a cobra unlucky enough not to recognize his warning stripes. And after five days in complete agony, the cobra finally succumbed to the actor’s venomous neurotoxins and promptly died. Poor little guy.
11. If Chuck Norris was ever to cry, his tears could cure cancer
Chuck Norris’ metabolism makes him immune to most ailments. What’s more, his excretions have incredible healing powers: for example, his tears’ chemical compound provides a direct cure for cancer. There’s just one problem – Norris has never been recorded crying. Nonetheless, scientists have been making breakthroughs. Just last year, in fact, the actor managed a sniffle after watching Inside Out.
10. Chuck Norris’ heart is too afraid of him to ever stop beating
It comes as no surprise that Chuck Norris’ fearsome reputation prevents him from being attacked by all but the most foolhardy assailants. Surprisingly, this ferociousness also protects him from major health ailments – especially heart attacks. According to Norris’ doctor, his heart is too afraid of how the actor would retaliate if it ever stops beating.
9. Chuck Norris once booted a horse in the face. Now we have giraffes
There are many factors that help speed up evolution: predators, changing environments and warmer climates among them. Nevertheless, nothing is quite as effective in aiding the process of natural selection as Chuck Norris. For example, the giraffe acquired its long neck after the actor kicked one of its ancestors – a horse – in the chin. Meanwhile, the cheetah gained its impressive speed as a means to escape Norris’ wrath.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t read. He simply glares at a book and it gives him all the knowledge he needs
In addition to his numerous black belts and karate championship wins, Norris also has a litany of speed-reading trophies lining his mantelpiece. Unlike most bookworms, though, Norris has no need for reading glasses. Instead, he uses his blood-curdling stare to “persuade” the books to give him the information he needs. Some say he cracked War and Peace in under 30 seconds.
7. Chuck Norris’ beard disguises a hidden fist
Many people grow beards for fashion, but Chuck Norris grew out his spectacular stubble for practical purposes. That’s because the actor was born with a severe genetic mutation that granted him an extra-powerful fist where most people have chins. And as a result, his beard helps him maintain the element of surprise during particularly tricky fights.
6. Norris can perform wheelies on a unicycle
If you’ve seen any Chuck Norris movie, you’ll know that the actor has some serious driving skills. But Norris’ abilities with transportation don’t end behind the wheel. In particular, the actor is extremely proficient on a unicycle and has mastered a feat some deemed impossible on the mono-wheeled device – executing a wheelie. Unsurprisingly, he has been banned from Cirque du Soleil for making its performers look like amateurs.
5. Chuck Norris can make one hell of an exit
You can always tell when a person is angry when they slam the door behind them after leaving the room. For Chuck Norris, however, door slamming is just a force of habit and he’ll never exit a space without violently shutting the door behind him. Incredibly, he can even slam revolving doors – which naturally causes some concern for the people coming the other way.
4. Norris stands undefeated at tennis, even against a wall
When it comes to tennis, most people look to Roger Federer and Andre Agassi as pinnacles of the profession. However, Chuck Norris’ skill with the sport easily eclipses these famed players. Besides defeating both players while blindfolded in a one-sided doubles match, Norris is also the only person to beat a brick wall in a game. Apparently, the wall ran out of stamina.
3. The Great Wall of China was built to keep Norris away, but he still leaped over it
Most people think that the Great Wall of China was constructed to keep the Mongolian hordes at bay. Not so. In actuality, the Ming dynasty fortified the Wall as defense against an even greater foe – Chuck Norris. Nevertheless, their efforts proved to be for nought, as Norris was able to clear the 25-foot structure in a single leap.
2. Norris has already landed on Mars, and he was not impressed
Scientists and entrepreneurs like Elon Musk have promised that man will set foot on Mars within our lifetimes. But – that being said – anyone expecting to find extraterrestrial life on the red planet is sure to be disappointed. After visiting Mars in 1979, Chuck Norris was so unimpressed with the locals that he took matters into his own hands. Apparently, the phrase “we come in peace” means nothing to him.
1. Chuck Norris is not scared of the dark, but the dark is terrified of Chuck Norris
There are many common phobias in life: spiders, snakes, heights. But no fright is as great as that exhibited by those with norrisphobia – a fear of Chuck Norris himself. In fact, this phobia is so substantial that it even inspires terror in those that cause fear themselves. As a result, the actor always sleeps with a night light on because the dark is too panic-struck to be in the same room with him.