Sometimes you just have to laugh; otherwise, you might cry. And that’s perhaps never truer than at the start of a new year, when winter blues and the prospect of another year of work or school – not to mention World War III – hang heavy in the air. Thank goodness, then, for these 20 utterly pointless things have now actually found a purpose – and that is to make you laugh.
20. Stupid spy hole
Peepholes are so handy for checking who’s at the door without being seen. Well, most of the time. But not this time, it seems, given the oh-so-handy glass panel that allows anyone waiting impatiently on the other side a full view of who’s ignoring them. D’oh.
19. Ramp to nowhere
This handy ramp for wheelchair or stroller users has a specially installed set of stairs at the end to help give disabled people a real challenge and encourage babies to start walking early. Not only that, but you can also wheel your chair up the ramp and admire the beautiful view of uncut grass and dirty fence. Lovely.
18. YouTube book
Because everyone really wants to read a book that tells them what great videos they could be watching if they were online and not reading a book. Or instead, they could just flush some money down the toilet, log on to YouTube and do a search for epic videos – which is, amazingly, completely free!
17. Useless gate
You’ve heard of Watergate and Pizzagate, but the biggest scandal of all is Uselessgate. Indeed, since its installation this gate has been doing an amazing job of making cyclists veer onto the grass, pedestrians get muddy feet and wheelchair users struggle to navigate around it. Perhaps, one day, it will be attached to a fence. But for now, this beautiful yellow specimen stands alone and utterly pointless.
16. Sub-par golf ball
What could possibly be worse than playing golf? Playing golf with a ball that you will never be able to find would certainly fit the bill. But, incredibly, these balls are real and you can actually buy them… for people you don’t like, perhaps.
15. Disabled parking fail
Wheelchair users need parking too, and this is the perfect solution to make sure cars don’t take wheelchair parking lots. As long as you’re using a uni-chair, and you feel safe leaving it outside and you can actually walk, that is. Otherwise, it’s utterly pointless.
14. Five sinks fiasco
Don’t you just love playing eeny meeny miny moe while you’re on the throne? Hmmm, that one has vomit in it. Nope, that one is filthy. Ahhh, here it is – the perfect, lovely sink. Then again, perhaps there’s five of them just to hammer home the point that you should always wash your hands after.
13. Not so handy drawers
What do landlords do when they’re trying to cut someone’s living space in half in order to make more money, but a bunch of pesky drawers are in the way? Nothing, that’s what. They just build right over them – and who cares how stupid it looks? And, most unbelievably, at least two people had a serious discussion about this – yet it still happened.
12. Very important pole
So, either they couldn’t get the pole out of the ground so they had to stick a sign on it, or they put the pole there to protect the tiny waving figure sticking out of the triangle. Either way, it’s certainly all a bit strange. But why was the pole there in the first place?
11. Helpful handrail
People using this handy little handrail are more likely to fall over because it’s suddenly not there rather than because they’ve just tripped up a step. In fact, the mere size of it is bewildering, since it probably causes more accidents than it prevents.
10. Useless USB cable
Now, if this cable was a little longer it might serve as a useful extension. But it’s not, so it doesn’t. Instead, this little USB cable attaches to a USB port so that you can plug your USB cable into it for absolutely no reason at all. Other uses could potentially include being a door stop, dog toy or stress reliever. Or, indeed, as something to fill up your trash can with.
9. Useless information sign
An actual phone next to this sign about a phone would have been really useful. Instead, it directs the poor phoneless person to look for phone information elsewhere. What’s more, there’s not even an arrow pointing to a phone. Instead, this sign serves no purpose other than to taunt people who don’t have phones.
8. Waterproof shoes… that aren’t
These delightful “waterproof” shoes come with a beautiful chocolate teapot, absolutely free! Just purchase the shoes and then follow these five easy steps: 1. Simply check for rain. 2. If rain is present, throw shoes into the nearest trash can. 3. Make a cup of tea in your new chocolate teapot. 4. Wait for rain to stop. 5. Put on proper shoes.
7. Unreachable benches
These benches provide the perfect place to sit and watch a game of tennis – as long as you can fly or have the power to teleport yourself. Otherwise, “Keep off!” The British, of course, love to make rules about their grass – one of them being that if it looks nice, you’re certainly not allowed to walk on it. And that is exactly why it looks nice.
6. Brilliant balconies
There’s nothing like being able to step out onto your balcony for a lovely breath of fresh… oh. It appears that these are in fact not balconies for people to enjoy – they’re balconies for people to discard things that are in the way, such as family pets, small children and bikes. You simply open your window on your side of the balcony, and voila! Al fresco storage space!
5. Diet water
Those clever people at Sapporo! They know if they stick the word “Diet” on it, it’ll get snapped up quicker than you can turn on the faucet. Think of all the weight we would have been putting on by drinking normal water!
4. In case of fire…
It’s so lucky that this fire hydrant is protected by railings. Otherwise, anyone could just open up the box and, you know, put out a fire or something. These things cost money, you know. We can’t just have people taking them out whenever they feel like it. Oh, and we’ve locked up all our emergency defibrillators, too.
3. Stairs to where?
In case of fire: use fire escape on building roof. Then duck under railing and take stairs down to platform. Then wait to be rescued. Also, try not to fall off. Meanwhile, hope the building doesn’t burn to the ground. Finally, if survival is achieved, inquire as to why there’s a useless set of steps on the side of the building.
2. Only for perfect bananas
No banana is perfect – and that is the lesson you’ll learn when you buy this handy banana guard that rarely fits any banana. However, it could still work as a suitable blueberry guard or raspberry guard. Or, given its rather phallic shape, something altogether more imaginative.
1. Invisible cycle lane
Cyclists are often given their own little lane, only for it to be snatched away at the last minute. Take this unusual set of road markings, for instance. Here, pedal pushers are asked to stay in lane right up to the curb, then vault over a railing in order to save themselves from certain death. Simple, right?