Married life can be rosy – a joyous union, full of love and laughter. But that doesn’t mean both parties don’t still value their alone time. And when their better halves head out of town, they’re sure to take full opportunity. Yes, from destroying your diet to making the most of the entire bed, these indulgences will be familiar to any wedded folk who’ve ever had some free time all to themselves.
20. Eat loads of junk food
Sure, when your partner’s around, you may feel some modicum of responsibility to your own health. But when they leave town, all bets are off. Ice cream for breakfast? Sure. Pizza every single night, and the leftovers for lunch the next day? Why not? After all, there’s nobody around to tell you otherwise, or judge you for your terrible, terrible diet.
19. Don’t cook, unless it’s breakfast for dinner
Let’s face it: the vast majority of that terrible diet is going to be either ready meals, or delivered to you by someone else. Occasionally, though, you might just feel tempted to whip out the frying pan. Not for a healthy stir-fry, of course, but so you can have pancakes for dinner. Don’t deny it – we’ve all been there.
18. Or if you do cook, get experimental
Okay, so every now and then you might feel like your solo culinary capabilities extend beyond pancakes. In fact, you might have the inspired idea of seeing just how far they really extend. And that’s when things start getting truly experimental. Of course, you’d never be brave enough to bring out the power tools in the kitchen while your spouse is around – but when they’re not…
17. Binge-watch guilty-pleasure TV shows
Maybe your spouse really hates reality TV. Or maybe they just don’t get your fascination with Netflix teen dramas. Either way, once they’re out of town, you’re free to binge Riverdale, 13 Reasons Why and Keeping Up With The Kardashians to your heart’s content. And that’s not an opportunity you’re going to pass up.
16. Get annoyed when you have to wait to watch TV
Even if your TV tastes don’t align perfectly with your partner’s, chances are you’re watching at least one series with them. And that makes it all the more difficult when they head out of town. Indeed, can you really wait an extra few days to find out what happens at the end of The Haunting of Hill House? That’s the real test of a strong marriage.
15. Play all the videogames
Playing videogames isn’t necessarily a solo experience – we’ve lost more hours of our lives to multiplayer Mario Kart than we care to admit. But sometimes, you just want to sit back with a single-player game, whether it’s a brand new release or a childhood favorite. And what better time to do that than when your spouse is out of town?
14. Triple-check that the doors are locked at night
Are you sure the doors are locked? How sure? Probably not sure enough. In fact, you’d better check again, just to be on the safe side. That’s the cycle that spins through your mind all night when you’re home alone. And no matter how many times you do check, that niggling feeling never goes away.
13. Put off showering
If your spouse isn’t around, for whom are you really keeping yourself clean? Well, there’s an argument to be made for yourself, but if you don’t care, then there’s really no point in showering… right? Just make sure to scrape off the stink before your spouse gets back. Otherwise, you might find you have plenty of opportunity to not shower in future.
12. Use the bathroom with the door open
Even the most open couples probably wouldn’t dream of leaving the bathroom door wide open while they’re using the toilet. But with no one around to judge you or get grossed out, you can go wild. And really, there are few things quite as liberating as peeing with the door open. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it…
11. Break the “house rules”
Does your significant other say your dog isn’t allowed to sleep in your bed? Well, too bad for them – they’re not here. And that means that anything goes. Yes, all the usual house rules are totally out of the window. Whether it’s pets in the bed, feet up on the coffee table or – whisper it – not using a coaster, there’s no-one to tell you otherwise.
10. Set the thermostat to suit you
Everyone has a different “ideal” temperature, so usually only one person can get their way when it comes to the thermostat. So when they leave town, their beleaguered, perennially too-hot or too-cold other half can finally set the temperature to exactly how they like it. And there’s little better than that feeling, even if it is all too fleeting.
9. Drink straight from the carton
Why bother making even more work for yourself by pouring juice into a glass you don’t need? Yes, you can just glug whatever you like straight from the carton. This extends to other groceries too – do you dream of eating cereal straight from the box? Sure, why not? The important thing is, there’s nobody around to say you can’t.
8. Abuse the electricity
Many married folks seize the opportunity to indulge their hobbies when their spouse leaves town. But what if you not only enjoy playing videogames, but watching sports? Well, there’s no need to choose one or the other. Just plug multiple screens in, and you can totally do everything at once.
7. Spread out over the entire bed
Sleeping next to someone is great, but every now and then, we all get the urge to spread out. Fortunately, nobody’s going to judge you for being a starfish in your bed when there’s nobody else there to fill it. After all, you’ve got to make use of that extra space somehow.
6. Build a blanket fort
There’s nothing like a blanket fort to max out your relaxation. And when your weekend already involves junk food, videogames and TV, you may as well dial things up to 11. Bust out the blankets, drape them over whatever you have to hand, and spend the weekend chilling in an awesome homemade fort – just like when you were a kid.
5. Realize you’re stuck doing all the chores
There are plenty of upsides to being left home alone, but there’s one major downside: having to do all the chores. Chances are, you normally split them equally with your partner. But when they’re out of town, everything falls on your shoulders. And, yes, that includes all the grueling ones you normally shift on them.
4. Eat everything out of bowls
If you seemingly forget about the existence of plates the second your spouse goes away, then you aren’t alone. Indeed, the number of meals eaten out of bowls apparently multiplies exponentially when you’re left on your own. There’s just something comforting about eating out of a bowl – and, of course, there’s usually less mess.
3. Chew your food extra carefully
The number of hazards that appear when you’re home alone is off the charts. Even eating can be dangerous – what if you don’t chew your food enough, and start choking? Your partner wouldn’t be around to save you, and you’d end up dying alone after all. It’s hard to think of a more tragic way to go, so extra chewing is definitely required.
2. Leave all the cleaning until the last minute
This is a real rookie error, but somehow it’s one that so many married folk make over and over again. Even if they know exactly what time their spouse is due to arrive home, they’ll still leave all the dishes, cleaning and tidying until the very last minute. If they’re quick, though, their spouse will never know the level of filth they’ve been living in without them.
1. Miss them
Yes, no matter how self-indulgent you get to be when your spouse is out of town, you always miss them. Even if gorging on junk food, spreading out over the bed and bingeing on Netflix and videogames is fun, it’s way more fun to have your partner around. Especially if they also love to do all that stuff, too…