Theft, even at its most petty, is difficult to fully understand until it actually happens to you. And often the worst thing about being robbed isn’t the loss of property but the inescapable sense of injustice. In our eyes, however, the best way you can handle being the victim of theft is to try to channel your anger into humor. That, or creatively seek a little revenge. In the case of the people who left these notes, though, there seems to be a peppering of both these approaches. Take this motel owner’s inventive piece of word manipulation, for example.
Bill: “We’ve really got to stop letting Dave do the signs. He can’t spell for toffee!”
Ben: “He’s making a point, Bill. It’s clever.”
Bill: “He’s not. I told him people have been stealing our post.”
This is great. What starts as a pleasant, formal notice rolls into a darkly suggestive piece of passive-aggression. You’d imagine that the writer of this note would go on to say, “We’re not saying we’ll break your legs, but… someones legs will get broken, and they won’t be ours.”
Okay, soda stealers are bad, yes. But “lowest form of life?” That might be a bit much. We guess if you steal enough soda from someone it all adds up. Let’s be honest, though, people who like pineapple on pizza are really the lowest form of life.
“I could murder a sandwich.”
“Dude, seriously, don’t. I know this guy from forensics and he’s put away 4 sandwich killers already. Leaves the crime scenes for everyone to see as a warning.”
“Man, you’re right. I need to rethink my life choices.”
Where to start with this one? Ten points for the incredible artist’s rendition, minus one for spelling, plus two for somehow finding sentimental value in leather pants. So that’s a solid 11/10 on the thief-shaming scale. Well done.
That Kanye, huh? He pops up everywhere to put the world to rights. Also, little known fact: he’s good friends with The Hamburglar. Indeed, the two are bringing out a collaboration next month called “Your Nuggets Are Safe (Sorry ‘Bout Your Big Mac).”
Bobby: “I don’t know what to say Grandpa… you’ve carried your eggs and cheese through two world wars. I couldn’t possibly…”
Grandpa: “Don’t say anything. Just remember to never put them in a shared fridge.”
Bobby: *Sobbing* “I promise…”
This really is despicable. Why add insult to injury? At least be considerate enough to destroy the evidence so the poor victim doesn’t have to see the corpse of their lunch. Whoever did this is as bad as the pineapple pizza fans.
This must have happened more than once for the victim to have pre-empted the robbery with photographic evidence of ownership. Mind you, judging by their poetic description of Gatorade, they might just love the drink that much.
Imagine having video evidence of the scumbag who stole from you: it would make you so thirsty for revenge. And even though it seems slightly apathetic and vague to seek vengeance “this year,” the sign may well have been posted on New Year’s Eve.
A week later this was stolen and replaced by a sign reading, “This sign used to cuttingly chide a person who steals education from innocent children.” Ironically, both signs were subsequently stolen by a child who couldn’t read, and the message was entirely lost on them.
Step 1: Discuss wrongdoing with thief.
Step 2: Leave a note because you know that the thief is a bit of a jerk and definitely didn’t take you seriously.
Step 3: Surely, tampering with the eye serum is the only option left.
This is the one time when crippling paranoia and calculated spite actually team up to produce a positive outcome. Indeed, with herpes thrown into the mix, this could even count as premeditated biological warfare. Still, the thief deserved it, right?
Just a friendly reminder that Jesus knows what you did. Also, a friendly reminder that absolutely any point of view can be backed up by finding the appropriate passage from the Bible. Touché, thief. Touché. Seriously, though – stop stealing.
Boss: “Who’s lunch is this? Bill, is this your lunch?”
Bill: “The one with the incredibly detailed passive-aggressive note? Nope.”
Boss: “Charlie! Charlie, is this yours?”
Charlie: “Not mine.”
Boss: “Guess I’ll just eat it then, if no-ones claiming.”
Although it might seem as if multiple coworkers have entered a cycle of constipation together, this fridge is actually at the accounting firm Gollum has been working at since filming of The Hobbit ended. He struggles with the carbs at Starbucks.
Awww, you just know that the type of person who grows rhubarb is the type of person who doesn’t begrudge even the baddies a taste. We don’t even think this sign is meant to be passive-aggressive. Lovely.
Factually accurate and violently threatening in one fantastic double entendre. That’s our kind of sign. Indeed, if you want to play with someone else’s balls you should ask permission first. We wonder what their policy is on shuttlecocks.
YOU WILL BURN IN THE GREAT TAR PITS OF HADES, THIEF! BUT FIRST, REPENT! REPENT TO AN ENDLESS CYCLE OF BON JOVI SONGS! THAT SHALL BE YOUR PUNISHMENT! THEY ALL SOUND THE SAME! HAHAHAHA!
Sorry Dave, but you were asking for this one. The thief outsmarted you. You gambled on your implicit warning being enough to stave off robbery, but you forgot that Dave is a pretty common name. Can’t stave off a Dave, Dave.