20 Strange Pieces Of Marriage Advice That Victorian Women Were Told To Follow

Think self-help books are a relatively new thing? Think again! In the Victorian era, there was a deluge of advice books aimed at young brides-to-be and newly married women. Some of them were fairly racy, too — going totally against the straitlaced stereotype we have of the Victorians. And in other ways, these books preached ideas that seem completely strange — even outrageous — to us today. Prepare to be appalled!

1. Learning about the birds and the bees

It was assumed that most of the young women these Victorian guides on marriage were aimed at were from the upper-middle or middle classes. And from that assumption sprung the reasonable idea that these young women’s knowledge of basic biology — you know, the birds and the bees — was rather lacking.

She needs to know the facts

So, what awaited a young woman on her wedding night was likely to be a mystery — and a rather terrifying one at that. To avoid this horror, Walter Gallichan advised that the bride be told what to expect. Writing in his book The Psychology of Marriage, he said, “It is necessary that the virgin should not enter the married state without even theoretical knowledge of sex.”

2. But a bride shouldn’t know too much…

A torrent of advice faced young women getting wed. All fine, but the problem was that the advice had something of a tendency to be contradictory. So, while Gallichan said that women should have some knowledge of what was likely to happen on their wedding night, a number of his contemporaries thought otherwise.

Keep her in the dark

If the young bride-to-be peeked into Maurice Bigelow’s collection of lectures on sex education, she’d read that too much knowledge was positively harmful. In Bigelow’s view, a young woman should only be taught a little about her body. No further detail was advisable as it “might arouse curiosity that leads to exploration and irritation.”

3. Don’t ask too much of your husband

Some writers of marriage advice recognized that there may be young ladies who actually enjoyed sex. After her wedding night, even Queen Victoria confided to her diary that carnal knowledge with Prince Albert had been a “foretaste of heaven.” That rather contradicts her somewhat joyless image and the idea that Victorian women were all horrified at the prospect of being seduced.

Be mindful of his welfare

But the truth was, according to Bernarr Macfadden’s tome Womanhood and Marriage, that women with sexual appetites had to be mindful of their husband’s welfare. This was because “the life-giving fluid called the semen, which is produced in the creative organs of the man, is of great value in the upbuilding of his own body.” And that vital male fluid could not just be squandered willy-nilly.

4. Don’t be too willing

In fact, “don’t be too willing" is a little weak when it comes to the advice given by Ruth Smythers. Her Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride positively struck terror into the reader at the prospect of marital relations. “Some young women,” Smythers revealed with apparent horror, “actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure!”

“Give little, give seldom”

Smythers offered her advice — complete with shouty capitals — in this way. “One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY,” she wrote. And the consequences of ignoring her counsel? “What could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.” The horror!

5. Don’t have a career

Yes, it would be better for all concerned if young women completely foreswore the tiresome world of work. Of course, poor women would have had little choice but to earn money to keep themselves and their families afloat. For upper-class ladies, on the other hand? Working was regarded as vulgar and demeaning to their husbands.

It reflects badly on your husband

In her 2016 book Unmentionable: The Victorian Ladys Guide to Sex, Marriage, and Manners, Therese Oneill explains that women who had particular talents in, say, literature or music were considered unmarriageable. “For a wife to work was to declare that her husband was incompetent and could not provide for his family,” she explained. It seems the Victorian male psyche was nothing if not fragile.

6. The dangers of lovemaking for pleasure

If a young Victorian lady managed to survive the horrors of her first night of marriage and even found she enjoyed sex, she still had serious pitfalls to negotiate. You see, it was held that unbridled pleasure in sex could be a dangerous pastime, making it something to be avoided at all costs.

It could lead to disease

According to Oneill, health “experts” claimed that overindulgence in enjoyable sex could lead to illnesses such as cancer. “These doctors very seldom cited anything remotely connected to science for their beliefs, but they didn’t need to. Most of the people who bought their books thought being punished by God and nature for transgressing their designs made perfect sense,” she added.

7. Don’t conceive when depressed or drunk

The Victorians, or at least those who wrote marriage manuals for women, seemed to spend quite a lot of their time thinking about the horrors of the actual sexual act from the feminine point of view. But then, of course, there is another factor when it comes to sex: namely, the creation of children.

Your children may be sickly

And the nature of the sex, it was thought, could have an impact on the future child. Oneill writes that it was believed that being drunk or even a bit depressed at the moment of conception would result in unimaginative or even sickly children. No sex unless you were both sober and in a cheerful mood!

8. No nagging

Victorian women had a lot to put up with from husbands — ones they were supposed to obey without question. And speaking to Country Life, author Oneill riffed on that theme. “In a world where a woman was at the mercy of her husband’s mood and decisions, she might find a lot to complain about,” she said.

Original sinners

Yet Oneill went on to tell Country Life that despite having plenty of grounds for complaint, wives were in fact admonished not to nag their husbands. She cited the work of one American, William Jay, who wrote about Christian marriage in the early part of the 19th century. Jay said that a woman had no right to scold her husband as a woman’s plight was “the consequence of the sin of [their] own [female] sex.”

9. Be fashionable, but not too fashionable

One of the many issues Victorian women had to face was the question of how they looked. And while Oneill told Country Life that women were expected to dress in modern styles, there were apparently limits to this. That’s right: women should be fashionable “but not too fashionable,” as Oneill told the magazine.

Don’t be too clean, either

Being “too fashionable” may give the impression that a woman thought herself above her station, which of course would never do. It may also entail spending too much of her husband’s money — another thing to be avoided at all costs. And women were also instructed not to be too clean. You see, excessive cleanliness may apparently make others feel awkward.

10. Just say no to makeup

Similarly, Oneill told Country Life that as well as being fashionable but not too fashionable, women were expected to be “alluring but not too alluring” — which sounds like another complicated conundrum for Victorian women to have to negotiate. And one way in which you could look too alluring? By using makeup, of course!

No room for painted ladies

As Oneill pointed out, “Nothing would humiliate a man more than for his wife to appear of easy virtue.” Despite that, though, women were still expected to look their best. That meant having pale but healthy-looking skin, “rosy lips” and bright, clear eyes. And remember: they had to achieve this without resorting to the makeup box. Tricky.

11. Ignore infidelity

After having foresworn makeup and taking great care not to be too fashionable, the Victorian married woman had yet another important rule to bear in mind. Basically, she should know how to react if her husband should stray from the marital bed. And according to the Victorians, it was the woman’s duty to turn a blind eye.

Not fair at all

Yes, according to Oneill, the mindset of the day was, “It’s in a man’s nature to go searching for a new version of the girl you used to be before you bore him seven children and made the comforts of his home the envy of the neighborhood.” Any idea of fairness just didn’t come into it. “Those were the unspoken rules of Victorian cheating,” Oneill pointed out.

12. Don’t marry for love

In modern Western society, most would regard romantic love as the best — perhaps the only — reason for getting married. But folks in the Victorian era believed that marrying someone just because you were in love with them was an error. Even worse, they thought that it would probably result in an unhappy union.

Consider your options carefully

Elizabeth Lanfear’s Letters to Young Ladies on Their Entrance into the World came out in 1824. And in the book, she warns against marrying just because you consider a man to be the one. Instead, Lanfear counsels young women to make careful judgments about prospective husbands rather than making arbitrary choices “dignified by the name of love.”

13. Stick to your own class

Lanfear had other strong views about the paramount importance of choosing a well-matched spouse, too. And class was one of the key issues. In her Letters to Young Ladies, she wrote, “The woman who marries a man of superior rank to her own is not always treated according to her deserts by his relations.”

Otherwise your friends won’t like him

Conversely, Lanfear said, “She who weds with one of an inferior rank in life has no right to expect that her friends will associate with her husband, or treat him with that respect which she may think his due.” So there you have it: marrying outside your class was a recipe for misery and sorrow.

14. Let your husband win arguments

Here’s some more advice from yet another Victorian man, Arthur Freeling. This time, the dutiful wife is instructed how to argue with her husband — or, more precisely, how not to. Yes, there should only ever be one outcome of a Victorian marital dispute: the husband must always be allowed to come out on top.

Don’t dare to get the upper hand

In fact, the very title of Freeling’s 1839 publication The Young Bride’s Book: Being Hints for Regulating the Conduct of Married Women gives a pretty strong clue to his views. There, he writes that from the very first disagreement of a marriage, the woman must always let the man’s views prevail. Seems a little unfair!

15. Don’t over-tighten your corset

This piece of Victorian advice is perhaps one of the few that make sense to modern ears — even though, yet again, it comes from a man. We’re back on the subject of women’s attire, but this time the subject is rather delicate, as we’re focusing on ladies’ undergarments. Haydn Brown’s 1899 book Advice to Single Women gave a warning about over-tightened corsetry.

But it’s not for your own health

“There is everything that is lithe and dainty, something femininely fetching, about a pretty little waist; but when it is fashioned with such difficulty, and under so much agony, one loses interest in it to a great extent,” Haydn wrote. Notice that he seems more concerned about his failing interest than in the woman’s health, though...

16. Never appear naked

Once the beleaguered Victorian wife had finally managed to extricate herself from her over-tightened corsets at bedtime, she had another important mission to attend to. That’s right: she must never, according to Ruth Smythers’ 1894 Instruction and Advice for the Young Brides, allow her husband to cast his beady eyes on her naked flesh. Nope, never.

Nightgowns will help

“The wise bride,” wrote Smythers, “will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her.” She went further, too, adding, “Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness.” Smythers also advised the wearing of “thick cotton nightgowns” which “need not be removed during the sex act.”

17. Don’t speak when you’re being seduced

Smythers’ instructional article was originally published in The Madison Institute Newsletter’s fall 1894 issue. And in it, she also offered advice on how the young Victorian bride should conduct herself in the unfortunate circumstance of finding herself engaged in lovemaking with her husband. Before the act, Smythers advised, the wife should remain absolutely silent.

You need to lie still, too

This was because the husband may interpret any noise “as a sign of encouragement.” Also, once the husband is in the marital bed, “the wife should lie as still as possible,” as “bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.” It seems a wonder that the Victorians ever managed to produce the next generation.

18. There must be solitary confinement after childbirth

Assuming that the young Victorian wife had succumbed at some point to the sexual demands of her husband, childbirth was the next likely lifetime milestone. And writing in 1896, Elizabeth Scovil had plenty of advice for the pregnant wife in Preparation for Motherhood. Apparently, the key thing for a new mother was isolation.

Mom can’t even read

Scovil wrote, “Excitement is dangerous, and no visitors must be permitted to enter the room, nor should conversation be allowed, even if she wishes to talk.” The lights should also be dimmed, and no reading was allowed either. So, after an anesthetic-free delivery, the new mother was in effect sentenced to solitary confinement. She also wasn’t advised to arise from her bed for at least nine days.

19. Marry a philanderer?

On the face of it, this piece of advice seems to completely contradict the straitlaced morals we attribute to the Victorians. But according to contemporary author Mimi Matthews, some Victorian women took a particular view of a man who had clearly engaged in affairs before marriage. First, his sexual experience would make him a better lover. Second, as the man had had his fun, there would perhaps be less chance that he’d be unfaithful.

But be wary of diseases

Still, Matthews goes on to say that most advice manuals for young Victorian women counseled against marrying an “experienced” man. And in her What Women Should Know, published in 1887, Eliza Bisbee Duffey issues a stern warning. “A young man who has led a wild, dissipated life may have contracted the worst and most loathsome of diseases,” she wrote.

20. Ration your charms

We’re back to Smythers again. And this time, she offers some strict rules about the permissible frequency of lovemaking within marriage. “The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage,” Smythers writes. She doesn’t specify, though, what she means by “brief.” That’s not all she recommends, either...

Then ration them even more

“As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency,” she continues. In fact, Smythers’ writings are so bizarre that some have said that her pamphlet is a hoax — though Snopes, the most reputable of hoax-busters, says that the allegation is “unproven.” If you want to judge the authenticity of Smythers’ work for yourself, you can still buy a reprint of the booklet on Amazon.

21. The alternative

At least this advice wasn’t given to women who loved women. Same-sex relationships weren’t that common in the Victorian era, but some found it preferable to risk it all for love rather than be alone. Alice Mitchell and Freda Ward first embarked on a clandestine romance when they were just teenagers, although their relationship would ultimately become headline news because of the tragic way it ended.

22. No animals allowed

Plenty of Victorian women chose to stay single, too. In some cases, animals even took the place of men. One spinster proclaimed she would never include a guy in her menagerie, explaining, “Man [is] less docile than a dog, less affectionate than a cat, and less amusing than a monkey.” Savage burn.

23. Closing up shop

Maude M. Kilbride had hoped to pull in a fine suitor, but no one had seemed interested in making any deals. It’s not like she needed a man anyway, as her embroidery business brought her more than enough money to survive. And in the end, she cut off her relationship ties just as easily as she would a piece of thread.

24. It’s in his kiss

When it comes to relationships, the chemistry has to feel right. And that’s why E. J. L. Simpson claimed she never really stayed with a man for that long. For her, it came down to one thing: the kiss. That had to be top-drawer. Basically, if the fireworks weren’t there, then she was not staying.

25. Superficial spinster

First impressions matter for sure, but they aren’t everything. Unless you’re Lizzie Moore! She judged all of her boyfriends on their faces alone. She wrote, “My reason for being a spinster is answered in a quotation from The Taming of the Shrew: ‘Of all the men alive I never yet beheld that special face which I could fancy more than any other.’”

26. You’re so vain

Some women were quite vain themselves. Lilian Harris confessed that she once had a great boyfriend. The only thing she seemed to love more, however, was the prospect of fame. So, as soon as she heard of this contest for single women, she dumped her boyfriend to go for spinster gold. Talk about a drastic move!

27. Poor broken heart

Sadly, many women in this era were often dependent on men. But not all men could be financially perfect. Miss E. Jones admitted that her husband — whom she loved dearly — had abandoned her after losing his job. He had then gone on the road to find work, ultimately leaving her alone and with a broken heart.

28. Miss Independent

Some women learned that they had the right to choose for themselves. Take Miss A. Wood Smith, for example. She swore off marriage after discovering one ridiculous ad in the paper looking for “a sort of angel and housewife combined.” Knowing that life was not for her, she stayed single and happy. And who can blame her?

29. Worth it

No, the work of a wife wasn’t for every woman. Florence Watts weighed up her options and came to the conclusion that she could do a whole lot better for herself. Instead, she found herself paid work, explaining, “The hours are shorter, the work more agreeable, and the pay possibly better.” She’d decided to postpone the job of marriage indefinitely.

30. A true realist

Florence wasn’t the only one who thought about work. Sophia Drew was also well aware of the long to-do list that awaited her after marriage, but then she wasn’t optimistic about tying the knot anyway. It was all down to what she perceived as a man shortage. “There are so many more women than men [that] we cannot all hope to marry,” she wrote.

31. Wild thing

Some Victorian women were ahead of their time, wanting independence over romance. Sarah Kennerly was proud to be single and compared herself to the mighty mustang. “I find it more delightful to tread on the verge of freedom and captivity than to allow the snarer to cast around me the matrimonial lasso,” she wrote. She wasn’t the only single lady with a spirit animal, either.

32. Bad at love

One woman admitted simply that she was bad at love, comparing herself to her uncontrollably playful cat. And like the feline, she played with her prey, not going all-in with the hunt. “A fine young fellow courted me. I thought I held him fast, but, oh! I tampered with his love, and he escaped at last,” she wrote. When the one got away in the end, she only had herself to blame.

33. Witty kitty

Rather than comparing herself to her cat, one woman leaned on her kitty for support. She explained, “Although he may wander and leave me at night, I can always depend he won’t come home tight. So I’ll stick to my cat as long as he seem content with the milk — I’ll take the cream.” You may call her a spinster or a cat lady, but she knew what she was doing.

34. Letting go

Not every so-called “spinster” was so shallow; some had more genuine fears when it came to matrimony and men. For Laura Bax, for instance, it was the inability to commit. It was perhaps not the greatest reason, but having to deal with never letting go — even through the bad times — just didn’t sound right for her.

35. The right sweetness

Miss Emmaline Lawrence’s bittersweet experiences with men led her to swear them off for good. For her, guys were “like three-cornered tarts... deceitful.” And the savagery only continued. She called the men she had met “pleasing to the eye, but... hollow and stale... with a minimum of sweetness.” Sounds like she’d rather have cake instead of a date.

36. No time for lies

But then putting aside sweet delicacies is what some women chose to do. Miss Gore explained that she gave out plentiful rejections to any oncoming suitors because she simply couldn’t stand to live with any more dishonesty. And while those men may have deserved a chance, you do have to give the lady some credit.

37. Ready for love

For some women who hadn’t thrown in the towel, it was not a matter of why they declined, but why they weren’t given a fighting chance. And when writing to the magazine, Annie Thompson aligned herself with the military, comparing herself to the British Rifle Volunteers. She explained that she was “always ready but not yet wanted.”

38. Love never waits

Alice Maud Jeffrey spoke candidly about how her pickiness had left her single. In her letter, she wrote, “I have been fickle when I ought to have been faithful... I have been deaf when I ought to have heard [and] blind when I ought to have seen.” And in her eighties, she had been left with regrets. “It will leave me, for the white winter of life, a lonely spinster when I ought to have been a British matron,” she concluded. Ouch.

39. Fancy pick

Some women didn’t seem to regret being picky, though — even if that narrowed down their choices a lot. Annie Newton wrote that she wanted a man with a title “higher than a soldier or settler.” She ultimately hoped to bag herself a duke or an earl, but her hunt for riches had so far seen no success.

40. Wanting more

And while this all suggests that pickiness will lead you nowhere, it’s still the path that S.A. Roberts chose. She compared herself to “a piece of rare china,” adding, “I am breakable and mendable but difficult to match.” In other words, she was simply one of a kind — too good for any basic man coming her way.

41. Coming from afar

Then there are the women who just know what they want — or what they don’t want, for that matter. It’s unclear whether Miss Jessie Davies had a problem with the men out there or with the ladies she saw as competition. Either way, she certainly preferred to do things the British way. She explained her singledom simply, writing, “Because I am an English lady, and the Americans monopolize the market.”