20 Epic ’80s Hairstyles That Should Never, Ever Be Allowed To Make A Comeback

The ’80s were a weird time. If music videos are to be believed, the world was a Blade Runner-esque dystopia in which everyone communicated through power ballads and the subliminal mating signals hidden in their patterned clothes. And because everyone appeared to hang around in places with moody backlighting, it seems logical that fashionistas would opt to expand their appearance with larger-than-life hairstyles. If only everyone had the internet back then, perhaps a healthy dose of online ridicule would have saved some embarrassment 30 years down the line. So it looks like we’ll have to do that now, instead. Let’s start with the fringe that may well have inspired There’s Something About Mary

Without the fringe this could be a “just got out of bed” look. However, way too much effort and hairspray has gone into keeping that beehive alive. In fact, her hair somehow fills two-thirds of her portrait. Just… wow.

Can you spot the one thing that separates this lady from a British “chav” – just Google it – in 2002? Actually, it’s a trick question. This shot was taken moments after her arrest for joyriding in a stolen car. Apparently she’d had the driver’s side window down, and it was a bit breezy.

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You know that feeling when your hair just explodes out of your head? And in the process uses so much energy that your body begins to fade into oblivion? You don’t? Wow, you missed out on the ’80s then.

Fun fact: before he became a huge superstar in the ’90s, Jim Carrey tried his hand at hair modeling on some of the biggest catwalks of the ’80s. This isn’t him, it’s his understudy.

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That’s the result when you’re halfway through steaming a mega-perm and the photographer says, “Smile.” This girl is one part Cher and two parts the Luckdragon from The Neverending Story.

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Barber: “What can I do for you today?”
Her: “Ever heard of Flock of Seagulls?”
Barber: “Of course”
Her: “I’d like a flock of seagulls to feel like they’re welcome to nest on my head, please.”

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If you cover either half of this picture with your hand you get two separate ’80s disasters. And if you don’t, you just see one insane Jekyll and Hyde hairstyle. It’s like the left side of her body entered the ’80s about a year before the right half did.

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During the Cold War there was a lot of nuclear testing going on. This rare photograph shows one of the lesser known testing sites: Heather from San Francisco’s head. Amazingly, the only casualty was her street-cred.

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You know you’ve gone too ’80s when your hairstyle has a hairstyle that, in turn, has a ponytail. Still, it must be pretty fun getting ready for a night out and just dipping your whole head into a bucket of blusher moments before leaving the house.

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She’s only smiling because the hair creature that has taken control of her brain is trying to keep up appearances. In fact, it has only recently been discovered that a similar bodysnatching hairball was responsible for launching Madonna’s career.

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Before the advent of camera phones it was very rare to capture a UFO in action. Particularly a tiny one in the middle of an abduction. Area 51 is real! The ’80s was just a weird shared memory that they planted in our collective minds. Open your eyes, people!

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I think this counts as a feathered mullet, but only if we’re using ostrich feathers. It’s like Rod Stewart and Jon Bon Jovi had a lovechild who felt she had a lot to live up to.

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Remember Wayne’s World? This girl somehow managed to incorporate Wayne, Garth and Cassandra’s look into one terrible nerdy mess. I don’t know what she has to smile about. Foxy…

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Have you ever seen someone who looked so uncomfortable with their choice of hairstyle? If we saw Brenda, here, in the street we would have zero doubt that she was a Blade Runner replicant. And then we would probably shoot her to put her out of her misery.

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Her eyes say she knows something we don’t. Then her smile says that what she knows is – and always will be – her cheeky little secret. But her hair says she doesn’t know as much about life as she thinks she does.

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Barber: “School photo? What can I do to help?”
Her: “Well, I’m not bothered what you do with the back and sides. But I want the top to look like a breaching whale.”
Barber: “One Moby Dick, coming up.”

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Now that is a striking lady who was way ahead of her time. This headshot was actually part of her application to Jersey Shore almost 25 years before it was even conceptualized. She would later be immortalized as a side plot in Dragon Ball Z.

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Remember that doll you could buy whose ponytail grew if you pressed a button in her back? Well, she grew up. And just look how fed up she is. Even today she has strangers coming up and prodding her in the spine.

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These two probably shared some kind of human hair hay bale, handfuls of which they then glued to their heads. Either that or they took their fashion tips from a pride of lions they saw on safari in the Zambezi.

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This is actually a photo of a young Slash from Guns N’ Roses. Not long after this was taken, he dyed his hair black and bought a big top hat to cover the un-killable bouffant on his head. Best decision he ever made.

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