Victorian Women Were Asked How They Manage Their Men, And Their Answers Are Surprisingly Hilarious

A clearly successful wife named Frances Grey had plenty of advice to offer other struggling spouses. She said she managed her relationship by being a steady companion to her husband – but never spending all of her time by his side. Honestly, this advice isn’t all that outdated…

Instead, Mrs Grey said, “I can’t understand women feeling honored when their husbands remain at home with them.” She let her husband go out solo and have his friends at their abode, too. Turns out, that hands-off approach made him say he “[didn’t] enjoy going out without [her].” To her, it boiled down to the fact that she “always tried to be companionable,” rather than clingy.

As a society, we’ve thankfully progressed past suggesting women smile to win favor with the men around them. In the Victorian era, though, this advice was still considered to be helpful. A woman who only identified herself as “Glad to Be Married” noted this as one of the top marriage-management skills she had learned.

The unnamed woman said, “When he reaches home at night after business, a pleasant smile and a sweet kiss greet him.” All of this had helped her to diffuse his “boisterous” behavior over the years. And she said that her grin helped him “[recognize] the fact that [she] was willing to endure almost anything for his sake.” We’d like to think he gave her the same meaningful smile, but we’re not holding our breath…

Here’s a bit of unexpected advice from an era when traditional gender roles reigned supreme. One wife said that she managed her husband by taking charge of his finances and business goals. It didn’t seem to bug her beau, either — in fact, she made it seem as though it had completely revolutionized their societal standing.

The Victorian housewife, identified as Jeannie, said she had squirreled away half of her husband’s salary – although she’d always budgeted for his nightly suds to quench his thirst. Eventually, she’d saved enough for him to buy the business for which he worked and save even more cash. And, after that, she said, “Husband says I am the best, the smartest, the cutest, the handsomest, the kindest, the most faithful woman in the world.” So, for that kind of praise, all you have to do is be your husband’s business manager.

A woman identified only as Mrs. C.E.B. had a laundry list of advice for women who wanted to manage their husbands in the Victorian era. But her strongest suggestion was this striking statement. “If you are a good housekeeper, half the battle is won,” she wrote in the newspaper.

Of course, such a sparkling living space would require a very dedicated wife, and that’s why Mrs. C.E.B. said women should just hang out at home round-the-clock. As she put it, “Make home your objective point as well as his, and let him always find you there.” So much for hobbies, huh?!

Men of the Victorian era were supposedly quite headstrong – and some of you may very well be thinking that they haven’t changed since. If you’re dealing with a bit of a stubborn spouse, try this piece of advice from a woman named Ada: let him run free… ish. 

Here’s what she advised. “Man is a naturally kicking animal and sometimes resembles the mule in obstinacy, yet if you do not pull the reins of government too tightly, he is easily led to believe he is a kind of masculine angel,” she wrote. Simply put, don’t clamp too hard on your stubborn beau if you want a long-lasting marriage to a guy who thinks he’s a higher being. 

If you want a happy hubby, try creating him a corner fit for a Victorian-era man. Of course, this will only work if your “husband is of a domestic turns and stays in evenings.” Otherwise, he probably won’t care if he has a nice, comfortable chair and plenty of cigars to puff.

On that note, housewife Ada suggested that housewives could “easily manage” their husbands “through [their] love for creature comforts.” She advised readers to give their beaus “a comfortable, low rocking chair in the warmest corner, slippers, pipe and cigars, his newspapers and books.” Oh, and if he dozes off and drops his daily? As his wife, you should “be thankful his mind is at rest.” 

Here’s a great tip, especially considering it came from the Victorian era, when neither fillers nor intensive plastic surgery really existed. And yet, one housewife we’ve met already, Mrs. C.E.B., told the world that women should “try to be as attractive in every way as you did before marriage.”

Yes, she suggested that ladies should remain beautiful and alluring to their husbands as they were at the start. If that seems a bit ridiculous, well, it is. Mrs. C.E.B. didn’t stop there, though. On the subject of attractiveness, she added, “Entertain him at home or he will be entertained elsewhere.”

On that ridiculously high beauty standard note, let’s go to another shocking piece of advice regarding a wife’s attractiveness. Another Victorian contributor we’ve already encountered, Mrs Grey, advised ladies to stoke some jealousy in order to manage their men. Specifically, she said to make sure their husbands knew that other men fancied them, too.  

Mrs Grey wrote, “Make yourself attractive to him, but also let him feel that you attract other men.” In the end, though, that bit of jealousy wasn’t the intention of such a move – flattery was. The housewife continued, “Have friends among men, but show your husband the preference over all.” Sounds like a lot of work…  

Is your blood starting to boil yet? If not, read this little tidbit of advice from another old-school housewife. She credited her very happy home to the fact that she never pointed out a flaw in her man. As she put it, “I never bring up an argument, and never find fault with him.”

Of course, that would be unrealistic in a balanced, modern-day relationship, but, in Victorian times, it was her key to happiness. She explained, “I have had many friends ask how I managed to have so many nice things for myself while my husband indulged in self-denial, but although they never knew, still my secret is expressed above.” We doubt this advice would suit most modern spouses, but who knows?

We’ve seen plenty of times that the Victorian wife could manage her man simply by keeping the house perfectly clean and comfortable for him. That’s about as far as his involvement in such matters should go, though – at least, according to Mrs. C.E.B., who refused to share her own problems with her beau. 

As she put it, “Don’t worry him about your domestic troubles nor talk fashions that do not interest him.” So, basically, a wife should tend to her home perfectly but never talk about it with her husband – unless, of course, she wants to fail at managing him. We think we’ll pass on that one, too. 

Funnily enough, multiple Victorian housewives cited food as the best tool in managing their partners – advice that would probably work for both sexes in the 21st century. But one woman put it quite simply as it applied to her turn-of-the-century spouse. “Feed the brute,” she advised. 

Another woman pointed out that men were animals, at the end of the day, which meant they were motivated by these morsels. She wrote, “You can best win their gratitude and affection through their stomachs.” Again, this is one of the few pieces of advice on the list that we think could apply to today’s men, as well.

On that note, not all Victorian housewives had wisdom to share that has become outdated and, in some cases, straight-up offensive to modern women. Now, we imagine most ladies of this era bending to whatever whims their husbands had. But not all of them had ascribed to this docile way of living.

In fact, one woman said that she managed her husband by standing up to him when they disagreed. As she put it, “When disputes arise she should, if convinced of right, maintain her point, for when the argument has passed the husband will respect her all the more.” Honestly, that’s good advice for today, too. 

We’re right back down to Earth with this piece of advice, though – it’s basically contradictory to what the above-mentioned wife had to say. Rather than holding her own and standing up for herself, a woman should be prepared for her man to show her the light during an argument, according to Mrs Drissell.

As she put it, “You may differ on many subjects, so learn to advance your ideas in a dignified, intelligent form.” That sounds good, but things went a bit south as she went on to write, “When he convinces you that you are wrong, be glad your education is being continued.” That is one really painful way of looking at it, Mrs Drissell.

Alright, let’s cool our jets with something that’s much less offensive and much more hilarious than that very outdated piece of advice. Another wife came up with the perfect method for avoiding disappointment from her husband if she couldn’t finish all of her housework by the time he got home. 

She advised that a good smile could get her out of anything, including an unfinished to-do list. As the housewife put it, “When she cannot do 1,001 things that she would like to without being worn out – if she is cheerful and loving when he comes home, he will excuse her.” Good to know.

A great way to manage a man is to stroke his ego – at least, according to Victorian women. One explained that flattery got her very far in her successful marriage, and she advised other ladies on how to follow in her footsteps. The method was a quite simple one, too – and one that kept her husband coming home to her, regardless of any other options out there.

She explained, “If your husband is plain or elderly, make him believe you think him the handsomest man in the world, and that he is far more attractive than a young man. His vanity will prompt him to believe it, and as he cannot obtain as much appreciation away from home, he may come home for it.”

Brace yourself from this bit of advice from a Victorian housewife named Emily Drissell. She claimed that the key to a successful – and well-managed – marriage was getting used to her beau’s peaks and troughs. As she put it, “Accustom yourself to his moods and vary your own accordingly.”

If that sounds unfair, well, prepare yourself to be even more maddened by the rest of what Mrs Drissell had to say. She concluded by saying, “There may be ‘something every day you live, to pity and perhaps forgive.’” And being understanding of your man’s emotions? Well, according to the housewife, that’s the “blessed privilege you were created a woman.” Yikes.

We’ve heard from Mrs Drissell a few times on this list – her list of advice had just so many unmissable tidbits to share. And, while they’ve all been memorable, upsettingly archaic or both, this one may just take the cake.

To manage a husband well, Mrs Drissell said, you have to make him feel like he reigns over you. As she put it, “Let him realize that he is your king of men, that the sum total of your existence is for his advancement and best interests.” Yeah, we think we’ll take equality any day over this.

Even if you don’t want to act as if your partner is your king, you can still cultivate his favor by being docile. Housewife Ada put it metaphorically when she wrote, “A husband would rather domesticate with a turtle dove than a snapping turtle, therefore, if you can, avoid snapping.”

Ada went on to give an example of what a turtle dove would look like in real life. She explained, “If you are going to an evening party, or the theatre, and your toilet ‘goes all wrong,’ don’t speak impatiently if he asks you imploringly to ‘just fix that stud.’ If you snappishly tell him you ‘haven’t time,’ your whole evening may be spoiled, as he will feel wounded and put out.” We’re going to try and be a turtle dove and hold our tongue here...

We’ve seen a few beacons of hope on this wild list of suggestions, and here’s one final piece of feel-good advice from the Victorian era. A woman named Dot wrote, “Husband and wife are grown too old to play at children in schemes and artifice to maintain the marriage bond.” She added, “There should be perfect frankness and honesty, and the wife to ‘manage’ her husband must first love him.”

Now, that’s some wisdom we can get behind – but it came with a bit of a twist. As it turned out, the woman who wrote in this advice wasn’t actually married. She was a “bright-eyed, laughing maiden of 18,” not the married “matron” she pretended. Her youthfulness and equally-as-wise advice explains how women have come so far since the Victorian era and its men-first attitude.

We couldn’t end on that happy note, though – we have one final suggestion that comes from another end of the marriage-advice spectrum. It’s not imploring women to tamp themselves down to please their partners. Instead, it advises them to do the exact opposite and make the man manage everything.

The housewife, named Mary Louise B., had managed to find three committed and doting husbands because she married them on the condition that they’d each become her “willing, faithful slave.” Her message divulged in detail what that meant, but one line sums it up: “He must wait on me, not I on him.” It’s a very un-Victorian approach but, hey – maybe it’s the ladies’ turn to be doted on after a very long list suggesting the opposite.